Wrapping up 2010

2010 has been a year of seeking God, and a year of transition. A year of learning, and re-learning. A year of trusting God.

There’s no way to summarize all that I’ve learned in the last year, and a lot of it is distributed in pieces through my blogs and thoughts.

During the beginning of the year, I was learning to trust God’s plan. We spent time in fasting and prayer and I grew to understand that, while we are seeking Him, God is orchestrating things to work in a way that, in our limited perspective, we don’t understand. He is Sovereign. And just like He’s faithful when we’re not, He’s got it figured out, when we don’t.

What we see in part, He sees in full. I don’t believe that "everything happens for a reason", but I believe that God causes everything to work for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. God doesn’t cause us pain and destruction to teach us a lesson; but when we are in the midst of it, He teaches us. He speaks to us. He doesn’t always remove us from the situation causing us pain, but He shows us how to let it raise us up, make ourselves better. He gives us peace.

I’ve re-learned that He is my peace. He is the answer to my question, and the solution to my problem. He is my healer. When doctors don’t know the answer, it’s no mystery to God. He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. For me, personally, physical challenges have been the challenge issued against my faith. It’s easy for me, in the big picture, to know that He is the answer. It’s easy to know, after all He’s already delivered me from in my lifetime, that He can take care of this. The challenge is keeping that in the forefront of my mind when my body is failing me. It is to glorify the answer, and not the problem.

I’m re-learning that Jesus has to be my heartbeat. All my hope and all my trust must be in Him. Not just in the big picture, but also the small. Even though doctors haven’t figured things out yet, even though it’s still a daily challenge; He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. I KNOW where my help comes from. It’s just important to remind yourself, because in the little moments it’s easy to get distracted from that.

A 3 month break from regular daily life reminded me of why my life is about what it is. A God that so graciously picked up the broken pieces of my life and dysfunction and brought me to a place where I’m no longer a wounded outcast, but a whole person with real love in my life, and healthy relationships. I’m by no means perfect, but not a product of the dysfunction that could have shaped me. I’m better because of it. I want to share that. I look back at the most broken times of my life, and I can see the people God placed in my path to prove that I wasn’t unlovable, to show me a sense of worth.

I want to be that person on the paths of others. I’m no Savior. Only Jesus is. I can’t be the person that rescues anyone; but I aspire to be like the ones that God put in my path, that people look back, down the road and realize, “God put her there to show me that He loved me, and I wasn’t alone”. No job or task, or any passing moment is more important than that.

I’m looking forward to 2011 for a new year of wisdom and growth. A year of renewed perspective and strength. I’m realizing I’m not the person who is ashamed of each year I grow older, but thankful for the wisdom and experience that year represents... so bring it on, 2011.

This Christmas Will Be...

Christmas is rapidly approaching. I’ve never been so behind on Christmas shopping.

I have my decorating done, though. I start getting edgy after Thanksgiving if it’s not done. It’s such a comfort for me. I guess Christmas is the most ideal, the most utopian part of life, for me. When I was a kid, even though life was crazy, Christmas was the time my Mom would do everything to make it feel perfect. From Christmas snacks and goodies, to watching Christmas claymation movies with us, and creating an environment that was so much better than the rest of life. As I got older, it was different traditions that meant so much, from my home church’s drive through Christmas Lighting display, to the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service, that it now feels weird not to have.

The holidays are such a time of reflection... a time of thankfulness.

God moved us to Brooklyn, NY, and I would have never guessed one year ago that we’d be here now. I would have never guessed that life would have taken so many unexpected turns. I’m thankful to be inside His will, because that’s more “home” than any physical place can be. I will always have a gravitational pull back to my hometown to visit those I love; but just recognizing that where God places us, He provides. I’m not talking about money provisions, but comfort, peace, and JOY. I’ve been challenged physically more in the last 4 months than probably ever in my life, and it would have been a great opportunity for me to have felt alone. I’d be lying if I’d said I didn’t miss family and friends; but while staying home, in bed, for around 3 months, God refreshed me.

At the risk of sounding like a new-age hippie, He reminded me why we do what we do. What it’s all about. He reminded me of what’s important to me, and how it came to be so important to me. That ministry is not a JOB but an opportunity to share the same love and belonging that saved my life. Nothing is more important than that.

Sitting by my Christmas tree, feeling grateful to have made it to this Christmas; and to have a wonderful husband to share it with (been married three years and some change now). I’m thankful that we’ve lasted. I know three years doesn’t seem like much, and many reading this may roll your eyes, but it’s a big deal to me. I was not very experienced at letting someone be this much in my life... and my husband has made this the best three years of my life. Good and bad, my life has never felt quite so full. He has endured much with me, and proved to be the love of my life, and my absolute soulmate and best friend. He is proof that God is specific and gives good gifts to those who wait on Him.

My life is not perfect. I’m not even close to perfect. My life is proof of a living God who has mended the broken, and done serious rebuilding from the ruins I was in before.

It all goes back to Jesus...

When telling about my life, I always tell small pieces. I always share about isolated incidents or eras of my life. Never once have I tried to share my life’s testimony, because there’s SO MUCH that I’ve been through (sometimes it feels it stops being believable). I don’t say this trying to be a martyr, but as someone who has been delivered through so many hard times; someone who has been given the measure of grace and the strength to endure time and time again.

I learned at a young age to rely on Jesus. Times may come when He is all you have; and those are the times that you realize He is all you really need.

I know this can sound basic to Christians, and it can sound preachy to people who aren’t, or who aren’t as sure about their beliefs. Because so many Christians are so harsh and over-exercize their right to speak their mind (and forget who they’re representing), it’s become more natural for most Christians of my generation, myself included, to not shove our beliefs down anyone’s throat; but to live a life that we feel represents who God is to us, and not be very vocal about it. I think it’s important though, that we share what a GOOD God we know.

When I was in middle school and high school, my life was turned upside down by my mom’s mental illness and drug abuse. It slowly tore apart my whole life and all familiarity I’d ever had. I held on to my life with my mom long after my brother left, and hoped everything would change; until things escalated to a point of no return and I had to move in with my father and his wife. I lost everything and was living in a home where I did not feel wanted or even liked. It was the period of time where everyone expects you to go crazy and experiment and try to find love in all the wrong places. I was hurting, but I knew God well enough to know that HE was what I needed. He was not some harsh, hateful meanie with a magnifying glass, He was the shield around me and the lifter of my head. He was Jehovah Shalom, my peace (nothing broken, nothing missing). He was my validation.

Even though life had it’s hurtful times, God sent people to be His hands and feet in my life. I had a church. I had people that reached out to me and loved me. I was never hopeless.

I was blessed enough to learn that He was the solution to my every problem at a young age. You’d think that lesson would stick for a lifetime, and I mean, in a way it does; but I have to relearn that lesson repeatedly.

In my recent struggles in my health, I’ve been reminded of this again. What we see in part, He sees in whole. When doctors don’t know, He does. When I’m not strong enough, He is. It’s so important to understand the nature of who God is. Sometimes the Christian world can represent Him to be so vengeful and harsh, but Jesus came with grace, compassion, and (the greatest) love. It’s important to remember that, no matter how old you get, how long you’ve known Him, or what you’re going through, you’re never out of the reach of His love and grace. Understanding that, my whole life, after all I’ve been through, He’s always been what I needed Him to be. He’s always been my source, of peace, of strength, of joy, of LIFE.

Of Course They Don’t Understand...

Lately I've been noticing how we, as Christians, can tend to feel like life is supposed to be perfect. We've gone overboard with "if God is for us, then who can be against us" into forgetting that this was written by Paul, a man who was beaten and imprisoned for doing the work of the Lord. When anyone questions or doesn't understand our lifestyle or faith, we start questioning why, and some of us even pray that God would strike them down (when the New Testament tells us to pray for those who persecute us). We don't even think anymore about how many men and women of God faced adversity before us, and often, when we're reminded, it makes no difference. We want that PROSPEROUS Christian life. We want the GLORY to GLORY. We want the GLORIOUS RICHES (not just talking materially, but in every aspect of life).

Jesus, Himself said, "if the world hates you, remember that it hated me first" (John 15.18). You may not feel like the world hates you, but so many of us let our emotions escalate to that the first time someone doesn't understand our higher standards (you should have higher standards, and if you've never run into this issue, you should ask yourself why), or they don't understand our faith in tough times, or believing for a miracle, or using your gifts for the Lord instead of going the worldly route.

2 Corinthians 4.4 says, "The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God". It says so clearly that Satan has blinded this world from seeing or understanding our faith at all. If they don't understand "the light", then most likely they won't understand the decisions that go along with walking in the light, or the journey that it entails.  


Jesus accomplished SO MUCH in His lifetime. God sent Him down here knowing exactly what His life would consist of and what it would be. From a worldly perspective, people look at His life and see Him as a teacher or ever miracle worker whose life was tragically cut short; when really it was just what it was intended to be. The mentality of the world is so distorted, that we HAVE to be Heaven minded, we HAVE to set our mind on the things above... and of course the world won't understand that.

For years I was so sick of the "angry Christians" that try to tell people who and what God hates, and use that to try to "preach"; I was so sick of those Christians that I thought the best way to coexist and even to be a good witness, was to tip toe with my faith and let being a a loving person do my witnessing for me. The thing about that is, the world isn't scared to say what they believe (or don't believe), but often times we are. We use not wanting to scare people away as an excuse to let our intimidation rule us. Why are we intimidated? Often times it's because we don't even fully understand why we believe what we do. That's when it's important to not just be a spiritual-high Christian, but someone who knows the Word, and knows from your experience what God has brought you through.

Philippians 1.28 says "Don’t be intimidated in any way by your enemies. This will be a sign to them that they are going to be destroyed, but that you are going to be saved, even by God himself." When we fall back and are intimidated, we make it seem like we have lies to be uncovered. We need to be confident in the truth that we know and live by, and say what we believe, and why we make the decisions we do as Christians (and be conscious of and upfront about it when we, in ourselves, mess up so that our mistakes are not pinned to Christianity). We know the truth, and the world doesn't... so why should be be afraid to live out loud?

This doesn't mean that we need to be argumentative and seek out opportunities to cram our beliefs down others' throat; it means that we need to be who we say we are, and say who we are... not be secret service Christians. The world will never understand unless we explain it to them. If you are facing adversity, don't see it as a tragedy in your life; see it as an opportunity to show someone who Jesus really is, by not retrogressing on the truth that is inside of you.

ENOUGH

I grew up being the kind of person who had no control over the crazy things taking place in my life. I had a ridiculously unstable home life, and it made me the kind of person that had a lot of grace to put up with almost any temperment or issues people could bring to the table.

Somehow, in the process of growing up and branching away from those things, I began to get to the point of controlling what I let into my life. Makes sense, right? I made the decision that neither family nor friends would be a part of my life unless they treated me like I felt I deserved to be treated, and didn't bring all kinds of negative energy into my life. I was learning to stand up for myself, and it was empowering.

I reached a place where, as soon as someone mistreated me, I began to disregard them. It was a defense mechanism to finally control my life, but it was too extreme. I felt completely justified in writing people off, and decided I'd "had enough" of getting mistreated. "Enough" of other people's moods and temperments effecting me and the way that I lived my life. "Enough" of certain personalities... I was wrong.

More and more, I've been feeling very convicted about that mentality. Shutting down on people, and shutting them out isn't a way of life. There are very limited circumstances where it is okay, or even necessary; but it's by no means an acceptable way to deal with every person who doesn't act the way I wish they would. I heard a teacher say once, "If we only love someone when they act as we feel they should, we don't love them; we only love the reflection of ourself in them".

This has been an internal conflict of mine for quite some time now, because for me, it's really hard to find the balance between being a total doormat, and just cutting people out of my life. It took me forever to get the point where I could say or do anything when someone hurt me, so to step up and have some control was amazing for me. To tell a family member who had been abusive for years, "I've had enough" was a huge step for me. I just went a little overboard. Anyone who I felt had wronged me, I just began cutting them out before giving them a chance to make it right. But lately, I couldn't help but think, "What if Jesus had decided that He had 'had enough"? I know it sounds cheesy to use that as an example, but He's the ultimate example of what love is... the kind I would strive to be. I claim to want to love like Him, but run when that gets me hurt?

In Ephesians 4:1-2 it says: "... live a life worthy of the calling you have received in Christ Jesus. Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient; bearing with one another in love." I had always interpreted the first part to "live a life worthy of the calling" as to not live a double life. Not to say one thing and do another, not to try to party all weekend and minister on Sunday kind of thing (which is still true). BUT he then wrote to be humble and gentle, and patient, bearing with one another in love. Not everyone is called to full time ministry... as a matter of fact, not that many are... but we are all called to LOVE. And so for us to live worthy of the call to love, that requires us to "bear with one another". I am the first to acknowledge that I'm a work in progress, but it would break my heart to be written off because of a mistake I made; because I know my heart and my intentions, and that they are not to hurt people. But is it fair that I deal with my shortcomings delicately, and evaluate myself based on intentions, but judge everyone else according to their actions?

Bottom line, it's more often than not that the better choice is not to give up on people, but to be humble and gentle, and bear with one another in love. It used to be my natural instinct, but sometime while growing up, I lost that. I think I may have even made the conscious decision to stop being that way. I didn't want to get hurt. But the truth of the matter is, when we are broken-hearted for His sake, He holds us close (Psalm 51:17). I would rather be accused of being too loving and kind than be accused of being too harsh and lacking love. "If I give everything I have to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."  It doesn't matter how great a person we are, or how much we love God, or what great deeds we do in His name, if our love is tainted or corrupted, we gain nothing. So, more important than guarding my heart and protecting my feelings and emotions, is giving my whole heart to the work of God, and letting Him be my avenger, letting Him stand up for me and be my validation.

------disclaimer for any of my girls reading this: It doesn't mean don't give up on a boyfriend or guy you like because he doesn't act right. I'm talking about giving up on people that you need to reach with GOD'S love, not your love and emotions. When it comes to relationships, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't treat you right, nor should you pursue or want to be with someone like that. Okay... just had to make that clear so my words didn't backfire. :)

CHRISTians

I've been thinking a lot lately about Christianity. Not just mine... Christianity as a whole. I've been thinking about the view of it that people who are/aren't a part of it take. I've been thinking about the way that many of us represent it more as an elite club one must jump through hoops to be an honorable part of. I've been thinking about what it's supposed to mean about those of us who are a part of it, that we are "little Christ"s, or imitators of Christ. I've been thinking about how in Springfield, the "Bible Belt" of the United States, we are so religious-minded and quick to condemn, saying and believing things like "God hates homosexuals" and other lies (I'm aware that many "christians" say that all over the country, but just that this is where I am and where I've seen it). To be honest, I can't imagine many things that God would hate more than putting our own hateful words in His mouth when talking to other people, and misrepresenting a God of love to be a God of hate. I was thinking about how when we decide that we are going to be Christians, we wear the name of Christ on our hearts, and on our lives... and it forces me to evaluate... do I wear it well?

I've seen more of my friends turned away from God because of condemnation then I can count on both hands. I'm not saying that we should tiptoe around as Christians and say that things are okay with us that aren't. Let's be honest, the rest of the world doesn't neglect to stand up for what they believe, so why should we? I'm saying that when we stand for a God of love, how on earth do we expect to convey that with messages of hate. Jesus died on the cross for US. For OUR sins. To tell any person that God hates them because of their sin, is to block them from knowing and understanding the beautiful thing that God did, in sending His son... FOR LOVE. It has burdened my heart lately to see the view so many of us have taken.

The truth is, it seems that the majority of our generation (the majority, not the whole) fall into two categories: either completely doctrine spitting, hate preaching Christians or the kind of Christians that believe that nothing is wrong and all forms of living are fine. It's okay to stand for what we do, we just can't do it in a condemning fashion, without love. The bible says that "If I speak in the tongues of men of angels, but have not love, I'm only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal".... meaning it doesn't matter what you're saying, if you're not saying it in love, you're just making noise. The truth is neither side is right.

I don't know how the former even believe in God. If they've ever sinned in their life, and they can tell anyone that God hates them, then they must have a very fickle image of who God is. They must be sad inside and constantly feeling like they must EARN their salvation. And for the latter, they are wrong as well. As important as it is to be accepting of every person, we also must recognize the importance of not tainting the Word of God to subjective interpretation and justifying every kind of sin. Homosexuality is sin, but it's no more a sin than pre-marital sex, lying, or even dishonoring our parents. Many people want to treat it like it's a disease, or greater cause for punishment and alienate it as a separate kind of sin. IT'S NOT. God loves a homosexual person every bit as He loves me. And for us to cast ANYONE away because WE don't think they deserve His love is like saying that the cross was big enough to cover our sin, but not theirs. It's like saying God's grace isn't enough to cover homosexuality. I know I've talked a lot about homosexuality, but it's because I recently ran into a horrible example of what Christianity is, in the form of someone holding a "God hates homosexuals" sign... and it was heartbreaking. A few of people close to me were talking about going and standing next to them holding a sign that says "I'm sorry", apologizing for the horrible view we, as the Christian body, have given them of who God is.

It reminds me of Angela, off of "the Office". Anyone who knows that show knows she is the stereotypical religious, hateful Christian. She tosses around the names, "whore" and "slut" and was horrible to the man that came out of the closet. It's funny when you watch her, but it's how so many of us operate-talking about what we don’t believe in far more than what we DO believe in.


I was just thinking about it recently, and remembered that it was never when speaking to the "sinners" that Jesus lost His temper; it was at the people in the temple who were supposed to be Godly and were misusing the house of God. All that being said, I think any of us who wear the title of "Christian", be it in our everyday life or just on our myspace or facebook, need to be conscious of who we are representing God to be. That He's a God of relationship, not just rules.

Just So Thankful...

This past weekend has been one of the best I've had in quite some time. It was a time of reflection. I spent time with some great friends, and had some good talks. I had some great worship time, and really just had one of those moments where life seems to slow down long enough for you to appreciate everything for what it is.

There's a song that I have been listening to and playing and singing non-stop. It's by Kari Jobe, and it's called "Beautiful". The words are amazing, but just something about singing it to God, just telling Him how beautiful He truly is, caused me to look back at what brought me to where I am in my life.

I started thinking about Alex, and just how personal a gift he is, from God to me. It's like God prepared him in the previous years to be the exact man of God I needed in my life. Alex's love for his family, and understanding of what family is, caused me to work on my relationships with my family. Thinking about what my family situation was before, and what it is now, brings tears to my eyes. When I was growing up, my family was circled around big lies, and a bitter, vengeful, vindictive home; where fights escalated to the point of no return, and no functional relationships existed. Now my relationship with my family is better than ever, and even when it's not great, I have a husband that helps me stay balanced and always has my back. I'm in a place that I love under leadership that I love, and working with youth that I love. I have an amazing close circle of friends that add to my life and don't take away from it. I am just so blessed! I'm not saying that my life is perfect, because it's not; but I've just been swept away by gratefulness for where God has brought my life.

God really does cause everything to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I always said it before in faith. Now I say it because my life is proof. Not that I have "arrived" at this great place and will never face trouble again. I have my set of troubles now, but the hindsight of a troubled past and the acknowledgement of a healed present have given me the foresight to really know in my heart that no matter what perilous times come, God has the power to transform all situations and work them for good; and in the meantime, the strength and peace to sustain us through the hard times.

I've just been so overcome by thankfulness, about how personal and specific God really is. I know that things will be difficult again.  Days will come where it doesn’t feel so natural to have this level of gratefulness, but I know that God is the same God in those tough times that He is for me today; and I will find strength in that truth.