Wrapping up 2010

2010 has been a year of seeking God, and a year of transition. A year of learning, and re-learning. A year of trusting God.

There’s no way to summarize all that I’ve learned in the last year, and a lot of it is distributed in pieces through my blogs and thoughts.

During the beginning of the year, I was learning to trust God’s plan. We spent time in fasting and prayer and I grew to understand that, while we are seeking Him, God is orchestrating things to work in a way that, in our limited perspective, we don’t understand. He is Sovereign. And just like He’s faithful when we’re not, He’s got it figured out, when we don’t.

What we see in part, He sees in full. I don’t believe that "everything happens for a reason", but I believe that God causes everything to work for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. God doesn’t cause us pain and destruction to teach us a lesson; but when we are in the midst of it, He teaches us. He speaks to us. He doesn’t always remove us from the situation causing us pain, but He shows us how to let it raise us up, make ourselves better. He gives us peace.

I’ve re-learned that He is my peace. He is the answer to my question, and the solution to my problem. He is my healer. When doctors don’t know the answer, it’s no mystery to God. He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. For me, personally, physical challenges have been the challenge issued against my faith. It’s easy for me, in the big picture, to know that He is the answer. It’s easy to know, after all He’s already delivered me from in my lifetime, that He can take care of this. The challenge is keeping that in the forefront of my mind when my body is failing me. It is to glorify the answer, and not the problem.

I’m re-learning that Jesus has to be my heartbeat. All my hope and all my trust must be in Him. Not just in the big picture, but also the small. Even though doctors haven’t figured things out yet, even though it’s still a daily challenge; He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. I KNOW where my help comes from. It’s just important to remind yourself, because in the little moments it’s easy to get distracted from that.

A 3 month break from regular daily life reminded me of why my life is about what it is. A God that so graciously picked up the broken pieces of my life and dysfunction and brought me to a place where I’m no longer a wounded outcast, but a whole person with real love in my life, and healthy relationships. I’m by no means perfect, but not a product of the dysfunction that could have shaped me. I’m better because of it. I want to share that. I look back at the most broken times of my life, and I can see the people God placed in my path to prove that I wasn’t unlovable, to show me a sense of worth.

I want to be that person on the paths of others. I’m no Savior. Only Jesus is. I can’t be the person that rescues anyone; but I aspire to be like the ones that God put in my path, that people look back, down the road and realize, “God put her there to show me that He loved me, and I wasn’t alone”. No job or task, or any passing moment is more important than that.

I’m looking forward to 2011 for a new year of wisdom and growth. A year of renewed perspective and strength. I’m realizing I’m not the person who is ashamed of each year I grow older, but thankful for the wisdom and experience that year represents... so bring it on, 2011.