what the world [really] needs now...

Lately it seems like there is heartbreak around every corner.  From the horrific events in Connecticut to so many people who are going through personal crisis, it seems like there is heartache everywhere I turn.  I don’t say that to talk about how depressing it is or be a downer, but it’s just very sobering at times to recognize that on my best days, and my worst, there are people going through very tough things and it’s important to be able to look outside of my feelings and my opinions and have compassion.

Having endured my share of personal crises, I know that no matter how public the information is about what’s hurting you, it still is very sensitive.  Even if the whole world knows why and how you’re hurting, the only real thing that anyone can do is offer love and compassion.  The tendency of many is to want to give opinions or advice, which is usually meant well, but is often misguided.  The irony of offering our unsolicited advice or opinions is that often we (a) can’t relate to the situation at hand and (b) giving such a strong opinion that we make the one who is hurting feel like they need to react in a way that is agreeable to us and makes the grieving/healing process awkward.  I’ve seen people who suffered a very painful loss and are just trying to keep going, only to constantly have people bring it up every time they speak, and cause them to relive the pain over and over.

I know that for me, personally, the most hurtful things I’ve gone through, I’ve been overwhelmed at all the opinions of people who offered what they thought were solutions... which only ended up feeling like demands.  For example with my health, I had so many people telling me the remedy that they just KNEW would work.  I was already spending so much of my time in specialists offices and hospitals hooked up to machines, feeling incredibly unstable trying out all kinds of new medicines; and the amount of people that pressured me to try their doctor, acupuncturist, special diet, or home remedy was quite inundating.  Not to mention the way people would tell me how I should and should not feel, emotionally, without me having given any indication that I needed their “encouragement”.  They all meant well, but it became exhausting, and made me very guarded and made me not want to speak to anyone about my situation, or even answer a simple “how are you feeling?”

The recent events in Connecticut really reminded me of those moments.  It’s something so heartbreaking, and the reaction of many is to offer propaganda and their perspective on why it happened, or how we can fix it.  Don’t get me wrong, there are things that need to be evaluated in our current system and I’m not blind to that; but using the devastation of so many lives as a springboard for your political convictions when the hurt is so fresh is not sympathetic.  Thinking of the families who won’t have their child this Christmas and are finding it hard to get out of bed each morning, what they need is compassion, love and support... not everyone’s opinion on gun control.  We should be heartbroken and outraged that this happened, but also sensitive to the people whose whole world feels shattered.  To them, this is so much bigger than a subject to debate, it’s something they’re trying to survive.

This post isn’t about Newtown victims and gun control statements, it’s about sensitivity to those who are hurting. I know that for myself, I close off the areas of my life that are hurting to most people, and only will speak about them with people I know well and don’t have to feel guarded around.  No matter what solution you may feel you have when dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that they’re HURTING!  They're trying to work through their own thoughts and emotions and they don’t need to try and sort out yours too!  Don’t allow your need to “fix it” become more important than their hurt.  When someone is dealing with complex and deep wounds and you offer an overly-simple “solution”, you invalidate their hurt and accomplish the opposite of comforting them.  People forget what you say, and what you do, but they never forget how you make them feel.  Love and compassion make them feel understood, and reminds them they’re not alone.

The Art of Gaining Perspective

Day 2 of blog devotion and here I am, at 1:45am all hopped up on sweet tea and determined to actually do this.

If you know me well, you know I’m a person who doesn’t open up to a lot of people about my personal issues.  I’ll tell anyone my history and most of what God has brought me through, but if you ask me about unresolved feelings that still need to be worked through, or something that is currently bothering me, there’s a good chance I’ll quickly find a way to reel the conversation in and give you a very general and positive answer.  Why?  Because I’ve made enough mistakes listening to misguided advice, had times where I felt (unjustly) validated by people who sympathized with me when I was wrong, and because I’ve been opened up to my share of unsolicited advice.  Don’t get me wrong, wisdom and guidance is necessary in life, but I’ve learned that (a) God needs to be the first One that I vent to with my negative feelings and (b) I need to choose wisely who I share my weakness with.

The funny part about the former is that a lot of times, if we take our negativity to God first, it will often turn around and we won’t feel like we want to keep talking about it.  There’s something about the presence of God that humbles us and adds perspective.  I know for me, no matter how frustrated or upset I am, as I begin talking to Him about it, and talk through what I’m feeling, I’m always reminded of His goodness.  God’s goodness is a revelation that we could receive daily and still not fully understand, but that’s a different topic.  I can go from a time of “God, I CAN’T TAKE THIS”, work my way into “be with me and help me deal with this” and eventually find my way (in that same conversation with God) to “You have carried me through so many tough times, and I know You will carry me through this.  You are my strength and I trust You”.  It seems like David had the same experience, cause in Psalms he seems to go through the same process, starting a chapter with “how long will you forget me?  how long will you hide your face from me?” working his way through his frustration into “but I trust in your unfailing love” and then to “I will rejoice because you have rescued me... I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me”.  If you take your frustration to God, you’re able to work through it and get some perspective.

Back to the part about choosing wisely who we do confide in, most of us learn this the hard way.  Whether it’s by telling someone who judges you and gossips about you; or whether you just want a listening ear and that person feels free to give strong opinions into your very personal situations.  People’s insensitivity or over-simplification of deep-rooted problem can be really hurtful.  I know for me, I’ve even complained to people who sympathized with my frustration and agreed with me instead of telling me that I was wrong and needed to change my attitude.  I feel like if I’m going to get advice, I need to get it from someone with more wisdom and experience than me, also someone that I can trust.  Find someone who knows you and will hold you accountable, but will be understanding and do it all in love.  It has to be someone you respect and esteem highly, or else you will resist their tough love.  It’s important to have someone in your life that you’ll allow to put you in check and bring you back to reality.

I’ve got a few of those people in my life, that I know I can look to for encouragement, love, and honesty.  People that know me (my strengths, my shortcomings, my history, and my heart).  I’m so thankful for those people, and even more thankful for a God that makes sense of my confusion, and brings peace to my chaos.