Wrapping up 2010

2010 has been a year of seeking God, and a year of transition. A year of learning, and re-learning. A year of trusting God.

There’s no way to summarize all that I’ve learned in the last year, and a lot of it is distributed in pieces through my blogs and thoughts.

During the beginning of the year, I was learning to trust God’s plan. We spent time in fasting and prayer and I grew to understand that, while we are seeking Him, God is orchestrating things to work in a way that, in our limited perspective, we don’t understand. He is Sovereign. And just like He’s faithful when we’re not, He’s got it figured out, when we don’t.

What we see in part, He sees in full. I don’t believe that "everything happens for a reason", but I believe that God causes everything to work for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. God doesn’t cause us pain and destruction to teach us a lesson; but when we are in the midst of it, He teaches us. He speaks to us. He doesn’t always remove us from the situation causing us pain, but He shows us how to let it raise us up, make ourselves better. He gives us peace.

I’ve re-learned that He is my peace. He is the answer to my question, and the solution to my problem. He is my healer. When doctors don’t know the answer, it’s no mystery to God. He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. For me, personally, physical challenges have been the challenge issued against my faith. It’s easy for me, in the big picture, to know that He is the answer. It’s easy to know, after all He’s already delivered me from in my lifetime, that He can take care of this. The challenge is keeping that in the forefront of my mind when my body is failing me. It is to glorify the answer, and not the problem.

I’m re-learning that Jesus has to be my heartbeat. All my hope and all my trust must be in Him. Not just in the big picture, but also the small. Even though doctors haven’t figured things out yet, even though it’s still a daily challenge; He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. I KNOW where my help comes from. It’s just important to remind yourself, because in the little moments it’s easy to get distracted from that.

A 3 month break from regular daily life reminded me of why my life is about what it is. A God that so graciously picked up the broken pieces of my life and dysfunction and brought me to a place where I’m no longer a wounded outcast, but a whole person with real love in my life, and healthy relationships. I’m by no means perfect, but not a product of the dysfunction that could have shaped me. I’m better because of it. I want to share that. I look back at the most broken times of my life, and I can see the people God placed in my path to prove that I wasn’t unlovable, to show me a sense of worth.

I want to be that person on the paths of others. I’m no Savior. Only Jesus is. I can’t be the person that rescues anyone; but I aspire to be like the ones that God put in my path, that people look back, down the road and realize, “God put her there to show me that He loved me, and I wasn’t alone”. No job or task, or any passing moment is more important than that.

I’m looking forward to 2011 for a new year of wisdom and growth. A year of renewed perspective and strength. I’m realizing I’m not the person who is ashamed of each year I grow older, but thankful for the wisdom and experience that year represents... so bring it on, 2011.

This Christmas Will Be...

Christmas is rapidly approaching. I’ve never been so behind on Christmas shopping.

I have my decorating done, though. I start getting edgy after Thanksgiving if it’s not done. It’s such a comfort for me. I guess Christmas is the most ideal, the most utopian part of life, for me. When I was a kid, even though life was crazy, Christmas was the time my Mom would do everything to make it feel perfect. From Christmas snacks and goodies, to watching Christmas claymation movies with us, and creating an environment that was so much better than the rest of life. As I got older, it was different traditions that meant so much, from my home church’s drive through Christmas Lighting display, to the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service, that it now feels weird not to have.

The holidays are such a time of reflection... a time of thankfulness.

God moved us to Brooklyn, NY, and I would have never guessed one year ago that we’d be here now. I would have never guessed that life would have taken so many unexpected turns. I’m thankful to be inside His will, because that’s more “home” than any physical place can be. I will always have a gravitational pull back to my hometown to visit those I love; but just recognizing that where God places us, He provides. I’m not talking about money provisions, but comfort, peace, and JOY. I’ve been challenged physically more in the last 4 months than probably ever in my life, and it would have been a great opportunity for me to have felt alone. I’d be lying if I’d said I didn’t miss family and friends; but while staying home, in bed, for around 3 months, God refreshed me.

At the risk of sounding like a new-age hippie, He reminded me why we do what we do. What it’s all about. He reminded me of what’s important to me, and how it came to be so important to me. That ministry is not a JOB but an opportunity to share the same love and belonging that saved my life. Nothing is more important than that.

Sitting by my Christmas tree, feeling grateful to have made it to this Christmas; and to have a wonderful husband to share it with (been married three years and some change now). I’m thankful that we’ve lasted. I know three years doesn’t seem like much, and many reading this may roll your eyes, but it’s a big deal to me. I was not very experienced at letting someone be this much in my life... and my husband has made this the best three years of my life. Good and bad, my life has never felt quite so full. He has endured much with me, and proved to be the love of my life, and my absolute soulmate and best friend. He is proof that God is specific and gives good gifts to those who wait on Him.

My life is not perfect. I’m not even close to perfect. My life is proof of a living God who has mended the broken, and done serious rebuilding from the ruins I was in before.

It all goes back to Jesus...

When telling about my life, I always tell small pieces. I always share about isolated incidents or eras of my life. Never once have I tried to share my life’s testimony, because there’s SO MUCH that I’ve been through (sometimes it feels it stops being believable). I don’t say this trying to be a martyr, but as someone who has been delivered through so many hard times; someone who has been given the measure of grace and the strength to endure time and time again.

I learned at a young age to rely on Jesus. Times may come when He is all you have; and those are the times that you realize He is all you really need.

I know this can sound basic to Christians, and it can sound preachy to people who aren’t, or who aren’t as sure about their beliefs. Because so many Christians are so harsh and over-exercize their right to speak their mind (and forget who they’re representing), it’s become more natural for most Christians of my generation, myself included, to not shove our beliefs down anyone’s throat; but to live a life that we feel represents who God is to us, and not be very vocal about it. I think it’s important though, that we share what a GOOD God we know.

When I was in middle school and high school, my life was turned upside down by my mom’s mental illness and drug abuse. It slowly tore apart my whole life and all familiarity I’d ever had. I held on to my life with my mom long after my brother left, and hoped everything would change; until things escalated to a point of no return and I had to move in with my father and his wife. I lost everything and was living in a home where I did not feel wanted or even liked. It was the period of time where everyone expects you to go crazy and experiment and try to find love in all the wrong places. I was hurting, but I knew God well enough to know that HE was what I needed. He was not some harsh, hateful meanie with a magnifying glass, He was the shield around me and the lifter of my head. He was Jehovah Shalom, my peace (nothing broken, nothing missing). He was my validation.

Even though life had it’s hurtful times, God sent people to be His hands and feet in my life. I had a church. I had people that reached out to me and loved me. I was never hopeless.

I was blessed enough to learn that He was the solution to my every problem at a young age. You’d think that lesson would stick for a lifetime, and I mean, in a way it does; but I have to relearn that lesson repeatedly.

In my recent struggles in my health, I’ve been reminded of this again. What we see in part, He sees in whole. When doctors don’t know, He does. When I’m not strong enough, He is. It’s so important to understand the nature of who God is. Sometimes the Christian world can represent Him to be so vengeful and harsh, but Jesus came with grace, compassion, and (the greatest) love. It’s important to remember that, no matter how old you get, how long you’ve known Him, or what you’re going through, you’re never out of the reach of His love and grace. Understanding that, my whole life, after all I’ve been through, He’s always been what I needed Him to be. He’s always been my source, of peace, of strength, of joy, of LIFE.