Untwisting

It's so funny the twists and turns life takes.  It's funny to even know that's coming from me, the person I know who's had the least normalcy in my life.  Life has changed on me without my consent so many times over the last 10 years.  That being said, I am who I am today because life wasn't normal.  I am who I am because the floor was pulled out from under me at a young age, and I had to trust God that there was ground beneath me.  Now that I'm older, and things are changing as much as ever, I'm a lot more set in my ways.  I find myself clinging to areas of my life that I've never even liked, just because it's what I've known.  My dysfunctional world seemed to somehow be a comfort to me.

God is cleaning my life out.  Sure, the way it's been happening probably hasn't been all in the way He would have chosen, but people choose the path they take.  I'm realizing how much the adversity of women in my life has served as a crutch, somehow.  The fact that both sought out and capitalized on my weak points made me feel like a victim that was doing great just to achieve normalcy; but really it made me feel like it was okay if I fell short because the odds were against me.  I'm proud to say that's not the role that my Mom plays in my life anymore, and the other is no longer part of the family. So now I'm left here with this raw, unexcused version of myself.  No excuse to be a victim, or to be any less than my goal.  Forced to face my insecurities and wondering why I still find myself seeking approval from people who may never give it.  Life and love are real, and messy.  Some of us are born into dysfunction and some choose it, but we have a choice.  With me, I took pride in the fact that I was better off than I was expected to be; but wore my experience like I was a martyr of sorts.

I’m learning not to let my heart rest in the care of those who don’t value it, or let anyone have power over me by way of unforgiveness or a victim mentality.  No entitlement because of my past. In making that decision, I find that I have enough love left to love family like family should be loved.  I have enough to give.  I am able to really know what it's like to work through things, and no longer live in the paralyzing fear of losing.  Good things come and go, and are for a season, and hurt when they don’t go as we feel they should... but that’s life.  Live it, and embrace the seasons.  Don’t be afraid to open your heart because of how it’s hurt you in the past.  You will be hurt again, but to choose emptiness over a life of love and pain hurts you more than anyone else.

I’m working on reversing my fear of hurt.  Undoing the years of losing my identity in the quest for love and acceptance.  Being confident in who I am.  Loving like I don’t know what kind of pain that can bring, and not blaming myself when it doesn’t work.  Finding my identity in the only real, perfect Love there is... really takes the pressure off of the other relationships.  If your identity is found in Jesus, no one else can break you.