After A Little Over A Year Of Marriage...

I have learned SO much from being married. Not to say that I don't still have much MUCH more to learn. I've learned a lot about myself, and about relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but relationships in general with family and friends.

I've never allowed someone to get so close to me emotionally. I've NEVER trusted someone enough to confront issues (which happens to be a crucial part of a functional relationship) and work them out. I was always afraid that it would escalate to the point of no return and be far more hurtful than holding it in. I've learned that confrontation, when done right, can bring two CLOSER together, in understanding one another and therefore appreciating the other.

I've learned that when you let someone get THAT close to you, you begin to see the sides of yourself that you can't hide. Any sort of moodiness, intolerance, or irrationability is impossible to hide, and you are forced to face and evaluate (and maybe even better) yourself.

I've learned that being in a double-sided relationship (the right kind, where both parties work just as hard and care just as much as the other) takes humility. It takes backing down and admitting you're wrong (even if it was only partially your fault), and meekness to forgive even if you think you'd be justified in staying mad a little longer.

I've learned that if you constantly dig up past arguments, you repeat them; and if you let the past effect the future in most situations, you have nothing to look forward to...

I've learned that I can't punish people for mistakes people in my past made. You have to love like you've never been hurt, even if being hurt is all you know.

I've learned to face things like an adult that I never would have before.

I've learned that even if I don't face things like an adult and confront them, I have a great husband on my side that will help me every step of the way... and be protective and on my side no matter what.

I've learned that no matter what other relationships in life are temporary, marriage is the one relationship that is forever (it's supposed to be even though most don't look at it that way anymore). They BECOME family... they become you and you become them... you become one. I can count on Alex, and should never look at him like another person who will leave at one point or another.

I've learned that I've lived my WHOLE LIFE not understanding what family really is until the last year. I've always thought (based on my family experiences) that when someone treats you bad, or doesn't want you around, you just cut them out of your life and move on. My relationship with Alex has taught me a much more Christ-like kind of love, that forgives, endures, accepts and allows weaknesses and flaws in family. I'm closer my formerly estranged parents than I've ever been.

I've learned that marriage is a serious commitment. It's not something to be taken lightly or done impulsively, not because you just feel like you should because it's the next step, and ESPECIALLY not to secure the relationship, so they won't leave you. I thank God every day that I'm married to Alex. Some days I'm thanking God because I have the best husband in the world... and other days I'm thanking God because, if it's this hard to humble myself and work things out with the right person, I can't imagine how terrible it would be with the wrong person.

I've learned that even though it's scary and sometimes painful to care so much about someone (romantically, or on a friendship or family level), life is empty without at least allowing yourself to be vulnerable to some. If there's no one that you can be REAL you around, then you don't know who you are.

I've learned that no matter how insecure you are, it's never an excuse to mistreat someone you love. If you really love them, making them insecure, or hurt, or confused, won't make you feel better.

I've learned that I'm not even close to learning all there is to know.

I've learned that I've hurt a lot of people in my life because of my inability to really let my guard down when it comes to the real me...

I've learned that hurting people DO hurt people, but it's not an excuse to continue on a destructive path-you can't use your pain as a crutch to live any way you please.

Because I've realized that hurting people hurt people, I want to understand why people act the way they do; and I realize that even the most hurtful and angry people have a reason for being that way.  AND I've realized that I'm married to the most amazing guy in the world. I'm pretty sure that I couldn't put up with anyone else, and that no one else could put up with me.

The Spiritually Busted Need God Too...

Today as a small part of the service they did a small segment on a kids' camp that our church supports.  It's not just any kids' camp.  It's "Royal Family Kids' Camp".  It's a camp that takes children who have been abused and neglected, and bringing in leaders that will love on them, encourage them and spend a whole week focusing on just them.  This year, Nike is donating a pair of shoes to every kid who comes.  They have a birthday party every year for the kids, since many of them never have had a birthday party.  They do things to show the kids that even though sometimes our families don't treat us like they should, they are part of a bigger family... a ROYAL family.  They have a Father who loves them with everything inside of Him, that would never leave them and would never hurt them.  They have brothers and sisters, some who are going through the same things, and some who God puts in their path to encourage them.  It takes children who quite possibly have never felt loved, and gives them one week focused on LOVE.  The concept is amazing.

While I was watching the video they played, I was thinking about how we are all, at some level, at some point in our lives, in need of the realization that is brought to those kids.  That camp is what church is supposed to be like.  It's supposed to be a spiritual hospital for the hurting.  A place that people can come, no matter their walk of life or their situation, to receive that royal family love and belonging.  I can honestly say I had that.  If it weren’t for my church (Cornerstone woot woot) playing the role in my life that it did when I was young, I wouldn't have chosen the same path I did.  I was a very very broken child from a very broken family that found a sense of family in my church.  My church wasn't perfect, but as in any functioning family, it was a matter of letting the good outweigh the bad.  The good was, my church took me, a child that had no stability in my life, and showed me a loving God that wanted me and believed in me when no one else did... and a church family that was made up of people (and therefore was flawed and imperfect) who invited me into their families.  I can honestly say that even though it hurt when my Mom left and things were bad with my Dad, I never felt without a family, because of my church family.  God used the church to show me that He WAS there, He WAS present, and He hadn't forgotten me.  That's how it should be.  That's why I have the heart for ministering to young people that I do.  Because I want to be someone God uses in a kids life, whether they realize it that day, a year later, or 20 years later; someone God uses to show them that in their darkest hour He sent someone to show them that He was there, and they weren't forgotten.  I want to be what Rick and Nicole, and the Garretts, and the Rayons, and the Clores, and the Pitcocks were to me.  Even though my blood family wasn't reliable, I never felt empty and alone.

During the video, a song was playing that I've never heard before.  A song that apparently many people know, but it was new to me.  I found the words to be so profound (though quite simple), and I decided it should be the anthem of the church... THIS should be the message of who God is that we bring to the world.  Not a message of a God that you have to dress up for, or a God who spends all his time frowning down on us.

"I will change your name

You shall no longer be

Wounded

Outcast

Lonely or afraid

I will change your name

Your new name shall be

Confidence, Joyfulness

Overcoming One

Faithfulness

Friend of God

One who seeks My face”

Marvel and Wonder... (marvel because Iron Man-get it?)

Today was a GREAT day.  I went to see Iron Man, which was incredible.  It's a great mix of fantasy and the real world.  Lots of comic book-ish hero movies get too  caught up in trying to create a believable parallel universe where their fantasy really exists, that they spend more of the movie trying to convince you than just letting it happen.  For example, Jumper.  Great movie, but they spend too much time stressing how the "blahblahblah's" (can't remember what they're called) have been hunting jumpers since medieval times... whereas, even if it's not realistic, if they just develop the characters in front of you (such as with Batman and Iron Man and Spiderman), it's a lot more engaging.  So that's my two cents about that.  I loved Iron Man.  It goes down with the best of the Comic Book hero movies to me.

In other news, God is really doing a new thing in my life.  I've been just moved by awe lately.  I've been realizing more and more how thankful I am for all the beautiful things in my life.  Marriage really forces you to truly see and evaluate yourself more than ever before.  You see yourself through someone else's eyes... and they see the you that you can't hide.  For me, I've always taken pride in being a stable and steadfast individual.   Steadfast, I am.  Stable... uhhh.... I've been really forced to evaluate the rollercoaster of my emotions.  But it makes you better... or at least it's made me better.  I've learned more how to recognize it when I'm being that way.  That's what makes all the difference in the world.  When you begin to recognize a character trait like that, it's easier to see things for what they really are, and control your reaction.  So I'm getting back to being the peaceful person.  I'm getting back to being who I started out to be.  And realizing all my flaws makes me thankful.  First thankful that Jesus knew every flaw I ever would have, every mistake I would ever make, and still chose to love me.  Thankful for a husband that sees me, the real me.  Beyond the people pleasing side, and the me that will be nice to everyone.  The me that is flawed.  The me that needs to be encouraged.  It's amazing.  I thank God for people who loved me and have stuck with me.  I'm thankful for a roof over my head, food to eat, money to buy the things we need.  God is good... and I'm starting to see and appreciate His goodness at an all new level.

Untwisting

It's so funny the twists and turns life takes.  It's funny to even know that's coming from me, the person I know who's had the least normalcy in my life.  Life has changed on me without my consent so many times over the last 10 years.  That being said, I am who I am today because life wasn't normal.  I am who I am because the floor was pulled out from under me at a young age, and I had to trust God that there was ground beneath me.  Now that I'm older, and things are changing as much as ever, I'm a lot more set in my ways.  I find myself clinging to areas of my life that I've never even liked, just because it's what I've known.  My dysfunctional world seemed to somehow be a comfort to me.

God is cleaning my life out.  Sure, the way it's been happening probably hasn't been all in the way He would have chosen, but people choose the path they take.  I'm realizing how much the adversity of women in my life has served as a crutch, somehow.  The fact that both sought out and capitalized on my weak points made me feel like a victim that was doing great just to achieve normalcy; but really it made me feel like it was okay if I fell short because the odds were against me.  I'm proud to say that's not the role that my Mom plays in my life anymore, and the other is no longer part of the family. So now I'm left here with this raw, unexcused version of myself.  No excuse to be a victim, or to be any less than my goal.  Forced to face my insecurities and wondering why I still find myself seeking approval from people who may never give it.  Life and love are real, and messy.  Some of us are born into dysfunction and some choose it, but we have a choice.  With me, I took pride in the fact that I was better off than I was expected to be; but wore my experience like I was a martyr of sorts.

I’m learning not to let my heart rest in the care of those who don’t value it, or let anyone have power over me by way of unforgiveness or a victim mentality.  No entitlement because of my past. In making that decision, I find that I have enough love left to love family like family should be loved.  I have enough to give.  I am able to really know what it's like to work through things, and no longer live in the paralyzing fear of losing.  Good things come and go, and are for a season, and hurt when they don’t go as we feel they should... but that’s life.  Live it, and embrace the seasons.  Don’t be afraid to open your heart because of how it’s hurt you in the past.  You will be hurt again, but to choose emptiness over a life of love and pain hurts you more than anyone else.

I’m working on reversing my fear of hurt.  Undoing the years of losing my identity in the quest for love and acceptance.  Being confident in who I am.  Loving like I don’t know what kind of pain that can bring, and not blaming myself when it doesn’t work.  Finding my identity in the only real, perfect Love there is... really takes the pressure off of the other relationships.  If your identity is found in Jesus, no one else can break you.