Lately it seems like there is heartbreak around every corner. From the horrific events in Connecticut to so many people who are going through personal crisis, it seems like there is heartache everywhere I turn. I don’t say that to talk about how depressing it is or be a downer, but it’s just very sobering at times to recognize that on my best days, and my worst, there are people going through very tough things and it’s important to be able to look outside of my feelings and my opinions and have compassion.
Having endured my share of personal crises, I know that no matter how public the information is about what’s hurting you, it still is very sensitive. Even if the whole world knows why and how you’re hurting, the only real thing that anyone can do is offer love and compassion. The tendency of many is to want to give opinions or advice, which is usually meant well, but is often misguided. The irony of offering our unsolicited advice or opinions is that often we (a) can’t relate to the situation at hand and (b) giving such a strong opinion that we make the one who is hurting feel like they need to react in a way that is agreeable to us and makes the grieving/healing process awkward. I’ve seen people who suffered a very painful loss and are just trying to keep going, only to constantly have people bring it up every time they speak, and cause them to relive the pain over and over.
I know that for me, personally, the most hurtful things I’ve gone through, I’ve been overwhelmed at all the opinions of people who offered what they thought were solutions... which only ended up feeling like demands. For example with my health, I had so many people telling me the remedy that they just KNEW would work. I was already spending so much of my time in specialists offices and hospitals hooked up to machines, feeling incredibly unstable trying out all kinds of new medicines; and the amount of people that pressured me to try their doctor, acupuncturist, special diet, or home remedy was quite inundating. Not to mention the way people would tell me how I should and should not feel, emotionally, without me having given any indication that I needed their “encouragement”. They all meant well, but it became exhausting, and made me very guarded and made me not want to speak to anyone about my situation, or even answer a simple “how are you feeling?”
The recent events in Connecticut really reminded me of those moments. It’s something so heartbreaking, and the reaction of many is to offer propaganda and their perspective on why it happened, or how we can fix it. Don’t get me wrong, there are things that need to be evaluated in our current system and I’m not blind to that; but using the devastation of so many lives as a springboard for your political convictions when the hurt is so fresh is not sympathetic. Thinking of the families who won’t have their child this Christmas and are finding it hard to get out of bed each morning, what they need is compassion, love and support... not everyone’s opinion on gun control. We should be heartbroken and outraged that this happened, but also sensitive to the people whose whole world feels shattered. To them, this is so much bigger than a subject to debate, it’s something they’re trying to survive.
This post isn’t about Newtown victims and gun control statements, it’s about sensitivity to those who are hurting. I know that for myself, I close off the areas of my life that are hurting to most people, and only will speak about them with people I know well and don’t have to feel guarded around. No matter what solution you may feel you have when dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that they’re HURTING! They're trying to work through their own thoughts and emotions and they don’t need to try and sort out yours too! Don’t allow your need to “fix it” become more important than their hurt. When someone is dealing with complex and deep wounds and you offer an overly-simple “solution”, you invalidate their hurt and accomplish the opposite of comforting them. People forget what you say, and what you do, but they never forget how you make them feel. Love and compassion make them feel understood, and reminds them they’re not alone.
