Aftermath & Hiatus.

My last post was about my health, and the actual situation... getting everyone up to speed.  This one is about the aftermath of it all.  Things learned, decisions made, and the way that life is continuing on.

My life slowed down, more than it ever has before, last September.  I went from being someone who was very busy and social, to someone who went over a month without seeing anyone but Alex and doctors.  It was a huge change, but over time, I learned to appreciate the down time for what it was; because when I rested as I should, I was more able to go and be at BTYM... which was my favorite part of life.

It’s a confusing thing to rationalize with yourself though, that you need more rest than everyone else, though.  That you can’t go out and do as much as other people.  Honestly, it took me a while to except that.  I felt like if I just pushed through, my body would accept it and get used to it... but it didn’t.  It rejected my attempts, and demanded rest.  SO, more and more, I fell back and Alex was at the church without me.  It was weird, feeling like the one on the bench.  Being a team in ministry was what we were used to.

It was tough on Alex, to have to wonder what was going on with me.  To come home after a good day and find out I had a seizure, or to panic when he called to check up on me and I didn’t answer the phone.  Plenty of people offered to come stay with me, but honestly it’s not the kind of thing that it seems having someone around would help. They can’t stop it from happening, and I’m the kind of person who would feel awkward with a babysitter.  It’s already weird, at the age of 26, to be someone’s responsibility and, at times, a burden.  Alex was great to never make me feel that way, but it really messes with a person to transition from independent to... dependent.  Not being able to go to the store anytime I need something or even get up some days, it’s a challenge mentally and emotionally just as much as it is physically.

Being the youth pastor anywhere is a big job, and a church like Brooklyn Tabernacle is no exception.  It kept us so busy, but when you love what you’re doing, that’s no issue.  When I got sick, BT was amazing and so gracious.  They did more to love and support me than I can put into words, and I will always be so thankful.  When my health was a stress for Alex, they made it clear that he could do whatever he needed to do, even if that meant only being at the church 3 days a week; but Alex didn’t feel like that was really fair either, to do that to the ministry.  He felt like what he needed to do was step down and focus on us, rather than doing the bare minimum he can get by with to keep the ministry alive.  He feels like BTYM and our marriage will both be blessed if he went the direction he felt God was leading him by focusing on what he calls his first ministry-our family.  Don’t go starting rumors that I’m pregnant, by family I mean our marriage. Ha.

I fought it.  I hated the idea of not being involved with BTYM.  I hated the idea of letting him walk away from his passion and his calling, especially when it was primarily because of what I was going through physically.  I didn’t know what we would be like without our life being centered around ministry.  Even though I wasn’t physically there, it was still my heart... our heart.  After a while of realizing that this feeling he had of what we needed to do wasn’t going away, God started to give me peace about it.

Since we got married, we’ve been so involved in ministry, which has been amazing.  We’ve been so blessed with a life together full of love and fulfillment.  But, a season has come where it seems that we need to take a hiatus from busy life and focus on US.  We believe it will be a time for God to strengthen us, build us, and help us find rest.

Telling BTYM was the hardest thing out of this whole process.  It’s so awful, to be in a position in the lives of young people that you love so much and have to make a decision that hurts and disappoints them; but we know that because we’re following God, He will take BTYM to a new level, and eventually they will be thankful.  It’s hard now, because the truth of the matter is, that’s been family.

In a few weeks, our season here in Brooklyn will be complete.  It’s been very emotional, but I know that God KNOWS the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future.  Plans to prosper BTYM and never to harm them, plans to give BTYM a hope and a future.  It’s okay to be sad at the close of a season, as long as we don’t lose hope in the next season.  God’s plans are higher than ours, and His ways are better.  What we see in part, He sees in full; and He is orchestrating something so far beyond our understanding, it’s important to trust in Him.  That’s what we’re doing, trusting Him.

Goodbyes are hard.  The only thing that will make it better is embracing a new season and trusting that God has our best interest in mind.