Aftermath & Hiatus.

My last post was about my health, and the actual situation... getting everyone up to speed.  This one is about the aftermath of it all.  Things learned, decisions made, and the way that life is continuing on.

My life slowed down, more than it ever has before, last September.  I went from being someone who was very busy and social, to someone who went over a month without seeing anyone but Alex and doctors.  It was a huge change, but over time, I learned to appreciate the down time for what it was; because when I rested as I should, I was more able to go and be at BTYM... which was my favorite part of life.

It’s a confusing thing to rationalize with yourself though, that you need more rest than everyone else, though.  That you can’t go out and do as much as other people.  Honestly, it took me a while to except that.  I felt like if I just pushed through, my body would accept it and get used to it... but it didn’t.  It rejected my attempts, and demanded rest.  SO, more and more, I fell back and Alex was at the church without me.  It was weird, feeling like the one on the bench.  Being a team in ministry was what we were used to.

It was tough on Alex, to have to wonder what was going on with me.  To come home after a good day and find out I had a seizure, or to panic when he called to check up on me and I didn’t answer the phone.  Plenty of people offered to come stay with me, but honestly it’s not the kind of thing that it seems having someone around would help. They can’t stop it from happening, and I’m the kind of person who would feel awkward with a babysitter.  It’s already weird, at the age of 26, to be someone’s responsibility and, at times, a burden.  Alex was great to never make me feel that way, but it really messes with a person to transition from independent to... dependent.  Not being able to go to the store anytime I need something or even get up some days, it’s a challenge mentally and emotionally just as much as it is physically.

Being the youth pastor anywhere is a big job, and a church like Brooklyn Tabernacle is no exception.  It kept us so busy, but when you love what you’re doing, that’s no issue.  When I got sick, BT was amazing and so gracious.  They did more to love and support me than I can put into words, and I will always be so thankful.  When my health was a stress for Alex, they made it clear that he could do whatever he needed to do, even if that meant only being at the church 3 days a week; but Alex didn’t feel like that was really fair either, to do that to the ministry.  He felt like what he needed to do was step down and focus on us, rather than doing the bare minimum he can get by with to keep the ministry alive.  He feels like BTYM and our marriage will both be blessed if he went the direction he felt God was leading him by focusing on what he calls his first ministry-our family.  Don’t go starting rumors that I’m pregnant, by family I mean our marriage. Ha.

I fought it.  I hated the idea of not being involved with BTYM.  I hated the idea of letting him walk away from his passion and his calling, especially when it was primarily because of what I was going through physically.  I didn’t know what we would be like without our life being centered around ministry.  Even though I wasn’t physically there, it was still my heart... our heart.  After a while of realizing that this feeling he had of what we needed to do wasn’t going away, God started to give me peace about it.

Since we got married, we’ve been so involved in ministry, which has been amazing.  We’ve been so blessed with a life together full of love and fulfillment.  But, a season has come where it seems that we need to take a hiatus from busy life and focus on US.  We believe it will be a time for God to strengthen us, build us, and help us find rest.

Telling BTYM was the hardest thing out of this whole process.  It’s so awful, to be in a position in the lives of young people that you love so much and have to make a decision that hurts and disappoints them; but we know that because we’re following God, He will take BTYM to a new level, and eventually they will be thankful.  It’s hard now, because the truth of the matter is, that’s been family.

In a few weeks, our season here in Brooklyn will be complete.  It’s been very emotional, but I know that God KNOWS the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future.  Plans to prosper BTYM and never to harm them, plans to give BTYM a hope and a future.  It’s okay to be sad at the close of a season, as long as we don’t lose hope in the next season.  God’s plans are higher than ours, and His ways are better.  What we see in part, He sees in full; and He is orchestrating something so far beyond our understanding, it’s important to trust in Him.  That’s what we’re doing, trusting Him.

Goodbyes are hard.  The only thing that will make it better is embracing a new season and trusting that God has our best interest in mind.

Health Update: Long Time Coming

Well, I think that since it is now August, and my last update was in January (yes, the one where I posted on the interweb that I was hoping to blog more often in 2011), we can call 2011 and epic fail for my blog reel.  There’s always the 4th quarter I guess; unless you’re Lebron, buh-dum-bum-chhhh!!!  I love Lebron, but I couldn’t just leave that one open.

This is a little long.  Since it’s been a while, I’m going to try to address one topic per blog, as far as catching up on my life.  This one tackles one of the bigger issues/developments of the last several months-my health progress.  So, bear with me on the length.  It won’t always be like this.

This year, thus far has held a lot of change and events, but yielded plenty of time for introspect.  I’ve made progress with my health, I think.  After 9 months straight of doctors, specialists, hospitals, take-home-machinery and way too many needles (I never get used to them), still no answer was reached, other than diagnosis of epilepsy.  They said I am epileptic, but they believe that it’s a result of the many times I’ve passed out over the past 5 years.  The passing out began with my worst migraines, but went on to happen in some random moments.  Anyway, 7 months of neurological & nervous system tests and 2 months of heart tests, no real solution was found.

We tried anti-seizure medications.  You have to try several out, one-by-one, until you find one that has less negative side effects.  The first one was the worst, with an allergic reaction.  I’ve never been allergic to anything other than pollen or dust, so I didn’t see this coming.  I had been on the medicine for about a week, so it was dancing in my bloodstream, when I woke up one morning to a neck swollen past my ears, itchy and burning hives all over my arms and legs, and a fever of 105.  Gross.  Now I wish I had a picture of myself then, though, for memory’s sake.  It wasn’t exactly exciting at the time, but now I think it would be laughable.  I probably looked like an inbred similar to the ones in movies that live in the (possibly ozarkian) hills with no human contact.  EM-barassing.  >>>>>>>>

Anyway, I found other medications that worked traded off different side effects.  The common denominator was total loss of appetite or even ability to eat.  I dropped close to 30 pounds there for a while, and still hadn’t stopped with the seizures or passing out.  In March I made the decision to stop taking those medications, partially so I could eat again, and partially because of risks of the medications.  It was a good decision.

I said all of that to say that the progress I’m making has not been the result of a medicinal cure or any recent doctor’s findings.  I’ve had the freedom to rest.  I’m learning my body, and when it’s warning me.  I always wanted to be able to keep up with everyone, and felt weak in backing down or needing to rest; but now I’m realizing how necessary it really is, for me at least.  I am learning to recognize the signs of needing to stay home or take it easy; and it helps that Alex can tell by my face before I can when I’m starting to go that direction.  Because of slowing life down, I’ve been able to take much better care of myself.

It’s an interesting process, dealing with illness.  Although it doesn’t seem like it would be, it feels very personal to talk about.  It’s not a subject I like to discuss openly with many people, as it’s not the most dignified of roles to find yourself in.  Being 26 and feeling like you’re someone’s responsibility sure brings the insecurities in that you didn’t expect to deal with, but God has continually brought me encouragement and peace.  Some days I could swear I feel people’s prayers.

Another moment it’s awkward is when I find myself answering the question “how are you feeling?”  I have good days and bad days.  I’m normally a pretty honest person, but it’s catchy, answering this question.  Some people really want to know.  Some people want to hear you respond with a faith-filled answer (I’ve been healed!), and outright denial of current reality.  Unless it’s someone I’m really close to, I don’t usually know which kind of person I’m speaking to about it until after I’ve answered.  My answer for everyone is usually, “I’m getting better, thank you for asking”.  Although some people ask again and want to know more specifically what my body is going through, most leave it at that.  There were a few occurrences where that even backfired.  One where I was rebuked for claiming I was “getting better” instead of “healed and whole”.  Another where someone told me that God was teaching me a lesson, and whenever I learned it, I’d be healed.  It took me a while to realize it, but I now know that people don’t mean malice when they say these things, it’s just uncomfortable knowing what to say unless you’ve been through it, I guess.

One thing that I have to say about speaking in faith, though, is a quote that my Pastor back in Springfield shared a long time ago:  “Faith is not denial of reality, but denying the finality of your reality”.  I don’t have to deny my current situation, I just need to acknowledge that God is able and willing to change my situation.  Paul and Silas didn’t deny they were in prison, they worshipped God anyway.  The leper wasn’t denying that he had leprosy, he was asking Jesus to heal Him (and having faith that Jesus could, and would do it).  I feel like this is where I’m at.  I don’t feel the need to walk around speaking negatively about my situation; but at the same time, I don’t feel like I should be asked how I’m feeling if someone knows what they want to hear and will correct me with a “holier” answer if I speak anything different.  If this sounds harsh, forgive me.  All I’m saying is I don’t want to guess what people want to hear when they ask how I’m feeling.  I just want people to think about what they’re saying.  Many times I’ve had these things spoken to me, and I’ve been thankful that I know God as I do; because some of the things people say would confuse me about Him if I didn’t know any better.

It is what it is.  I believe with all my heart that God works all things for good.  I believe with all my heart that He is my source, my strength, and my healer.  I’m very encouraged and trusting Him in my everyday life.  As the song goes, “He’s never failed me yet...”

Thanks, everyone for the prayers, encouragement and gifts.  Being so far from where I grew up, I’ve been blessed to have received more love than I ever could have expected.  I feel so blessed to have so many great people standing in agreement with me.