there’s much to be said for the “BUT"

1 Timothy 4:12, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.”

This is a verse that is widely used, because it easily empowers young people to not be afraid to step out and do big things for God, not letting their old hold them back.  The second half of the verse is not often a focal point for us, and even is a casualty to the dot-dot-dot every now and then:

(“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you’re young...”)

But it’s important for us young people not to get ahead of ourselves.  No, we shouldn’t let our age stop us from living a bold life for Christ, and we shouldn’t fear advancement/leadership that would be given to us just because we’re young; but often we use this verse in the opposite way it’s intended.  We use it in an arrogant way.  We use it in a way that enables us to reject the wisdom of those who have already been where we are.  The first part is important and inspiring, but the second part is more explanatory... it tells us HOW to do that.

Our young generation is known for thinking we know it all.  We get ourselves into trouble because often in forgetting to take the baby steps of spiritual growth, we are thrusted into being someone who has presented ourselves as this BIG AMAZING CHRISTIAN young person while we still haven't gone through the process of learning integrity and character.  This is where we get hypocrisy, and church scandals, and the things that give the church a bad name.  I’m not saying that is exclusively young people but we definitely contribute.  Much of the older generation sees us heading that direction and wants us to learn and grow in a way that helps us BE who we SAY we are.  Sometimes it may seem knit-picky-sometimes it is-but it’s our job (as Christians, especially if we intend on being any type of influence or leader) to improve our character so that we’re not mentoring people to repeat our flaws and mistakes.  To do this we have to RECOGNIZE that there is room for growth and we don’t, in fact, know EVERYTHING.

The second half of the verse is introduced with a “but”.  It’s significant that it’s not an “and”.  If it were an “and”, then that would mean the thoughts were parallel, or the same idea; but because it’s a “but”, that means that after the “don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young” comes a moment of reckoning and an opportunity to view the other side of the spectrum.  This is how we can rightfully not be looked down on because we’re young... be above reproach... we set the example.  Instead of feeling like a victim every time we are confronted about something in our character, we should see it as an opportunity to grow, and not continue to live oblivious to our flaws.  When we live with arrogance and are ignorant to our shortcomings, we invite others to find them for us; when we live humbly and acknowledge that we’re a work in progress and God is still teaching us, people are more likely to encourage us and root for us.


Don’t only be bold in your faith as a young person, but ALSO set the example:

in speech- stop with vulgar/perverse talk, gossip, and work on saying what is RIGHT.  think before you speak and train yourself to filter your words.  the same mouth should not yield blessings AND curses (James 3:10)
in life- live your life purposefully choosing to not raise questions about whether or not you are who you say you are.  live worthy of your calling (Ephesians 4:1-2)
in love- it doesn’t matter how righteous you are in everything you do, without love you’re not accomplishing anything.  ask God to help you fulfill the call to LOVE.  (1 Corinthians 13:1-8)
in faith- bottom line, if you’re constantly worrying and being dramatic about your life’s problems and situations, if you’re constantly a victim, you’re not trusting God.  people will be moved by the faith of someone who overcomes and gives God glory.  (Proverbs 3:5)  I know this to be true, because the greatest testimony of who God is to me is how I am able to be a happy and whole person in spite of what I’ve been through.
and in purity- this is a foreign concept to the world today, so if you’re living in purity, you will stand out.  purity is a battle, honestly (if anyone tells you it’s easy, they’re lying); but it’s so very telling of your spiritual life and your convictions.  if you can sacrifice your own gratifications and instincts, people see that you are doing whatever it takes to live for God.  on the contrary, if you can’t keep this in check, you’re not going to be able to teach others to.

Don’t just TELL others that they can’t assume your spiritually maturity level because you’re young, SHOW them by being unpredictable.  Go against the grain and be who you say you are.  Work on your character behind the scenes so you’re not humbled by the things that come to light about you.  Be humble, and honest that God’s still working in you so that your flaws aren’t a secret... that way people can learn from you even as you grow.

::Christians Who Hate Churches::

When it comes to Christians and my experience with the Christian world, I can sometimes get opinionated about the way we as a church should handle things; and whether in the form of a real life conversation, a tweet, a facebook status, or a blog, I am not too shy to address them.  

Seems like every time I bring up Christians, some people comment (people that don’t like churches and look for opportunities to justify staying away) brutal things that only discourage.  Some people wait, armed with bitterness, to attack the church anytime they see an opportunity.  It’s like Statler & Waldorf (Muppets), waiting with tomatoes to throw, with no intention of approving.  

This is the exact opposite of the goal for which I speak about the mistakes we (Christians/church people) make.  I share about it so that we Christians can remember or realize who and what we should be to this world, not so that angry people who consider themselves unattached, unassociated Christians can attack others and further their idea that we are fake and stay away.  Although I speak about the mistakes we make, I speak with love in my heart for the church.  

I am part of that “we”.  I am a member of the church and a Christian, and I know (better than most) the ins and outs of the church/Christian world.  I have seen some great mistakes and shortcomings of Christians and church leaders, and I’ve seen hypocrisy at it’s best, so I feel that no one can tell me that I don’t understand why they feel the way that they do about churches.  I can understand why someone who doesn’t consider themselves a Christian could hate churches based on their perspective; but for those of us who call ourselves Christians, we have not only the ability but the duty of loving and forgiving the church.

The bible, in several places, refers to the church as the bride of Christ, which illustrates how dear the church is to Jesus.  The bible never denies the problems in the church; as a matter of fact, it documents letter after letter where Paul writes the churches to correct them and instruct them.  No denial of the flaws, but over and over again the church is explained to be very precious to Christ himself.  Not flawless, but valued.  

The church has never been perfect and will never be, because no matter how much God is in it, (as long as people are still a part) it will remain blemished.  We will always fall short and we will always disappoint.  This is where it’s important to have a relationship with God that is not filtered through any spiritual leader or organization; because then your faith isn’t rocked when they (we) let you down.  And I hate to say it, but if you are spending your days angry and bitter at churches, then your spiritual life isn’t great, no matter what you feel.  God doesn’t want us to be weighed down by bitterness toward anyone, let alone something so important to Him.  To put it in perspective I think of my husband.  When you get married, two become one.  My heart is so tied in with his that there is no real separation, and if someone hates my husband, I not only have no relationship with them but I consider myself hated by them too.  You can’t be close to someone and hate such an important part of them, or the relationship becomes superficial.  You can’t love Jesus and hate the church.  

As long as there are people in the church, it will be flawed; but it’s our job as Christians to strive to be Christ-like.  We have to consider that everyone is a work in progress and accountable to God for it; and remember that we’ve all been the one who looked like a hypocrite at some point in our time as a Christian.  If you feel they’re fake in the church then go in there and show them what real looks like, but at some point you’ll find yourself being the one who is falling short.  Why?  Because it’s harder than it looks, following perfection.

But really though, bottom line:

1.  Jesus loves the church

2.  You and Him aren’t good if you don’t.

3.  Churches have bad, but they also do good.  It’s your choice which you dwell on.

Churches are made up of people who make mistakes, but there really is a great thing in there that God intended for us Christians to be connected to!  Honestly, I couldn’t tell my whole story in this post, but I can sum it up:  I grew up with a very poor example of what Christianity and church people were about, nonetheless, in church consistently.  I was bitter and very confused about it, but when I went through my teenage years and lost everything that was familiar and that I loved (and I don’t mean a boyfriend or friendship, the only family I’d known), God used the church to reach out to me and the people in it to be His hands and feet in my life.  The people that make up the church were my reminder that He hadn’t forgotten me and when there was no other reason for me to have any hope at all, I found belonging there that kept me from running to all of the wrong things to fill my voids.  

Time and time again I’ve seen things in the church that are discouraging and not right, but time after time I’ve seen the church come through and do what it’s supposed to do.  Too many people let the mistakes of a few drown out the good that is all throughout the body of Christ.  The church is family, and like your family, you love it through the tough times.  If you’re bitter and jaded, you need to ask God to deal with your heart because that’s not how He intends for you to live.  If you seriously can’t stand the church still, you need to humble yourself because your perspective of you (how great you are) is distorted.  We are ALL sinners saved by grace, and we are ALL a work in progress.  So bear with others, do your best to be a light, and leave the rest to God.  

Boom.  It’s that simple.  Not always easy, but that simple.

♫ Had a bad day ♫

In the words of the children’s book, “a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day”.  A few days ago I was having one.  Not because of any real significant bad event, but just one of those with a symphony of annoying moments that snowball into a climactic point where you want to have that all-out teenager-ish scream-fest.  The kind where you drop things, stub your toe, say the wrong thing, forget something you reminded yourself a million times not to walk out the door without, get to checkout at the grocery store in time to realize you can’t find your debit card... you know... that kind of day.  The kind where everything and everyone irritates you, and no one seems to understand.

That was my kind of day that day.  I honestly knew that nothing that was happening was really that bad in the big picture, but it was all just so frustrating that I wasn’t willing to put myself into perspective.  In those moments, it’s easy to convince ourselves that our attitude is justified, or at least avoid thinking about it.  It’s easy to chock it up to “having a bad day” and this is not who we usually are.

A very wise man (Rev. Rick Cochran) has used the analogy for years that when you squeeze a toothpaste tube toothpaste comes out (same for ketchup, etc.)- what we are comes out when we’re squeezed (metaphorical, for all you thinking of making a bowels joke).  As much as we consider our “bad days” and moments to be the exception for showing our character, they’re actually more telling than any other moment is.  Our character is not built through these times, it’s revealed.

One of the things that God is showing me is that instead of making excuses for our shortcomings through those times, we should evaluate the aspects of our personality that need changing.  When we see what went wrong with our reaction, it’s up to us whether we decide to work on it and do better next time, or try to justify our actions.  We have a tendency to compartmentalize our standards for ourselves according to certain people and situations, when really, God has set a standard for us that does not hinge on circumstance.  For some reason, it’s easy for me to remember that when I’m going through a BIG trial, but difficult with the little ones, like the day where every little thing is going wrong.  AND all the deep, soul-searching aside, life is so much better when we don’t let the little things ruin our days or change our attitude.  I’ve heard it said that life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react.  Keeping a good attitude and not letting it get to you can take some re-training yourself, but it definitely leads to happier life!

No Regrets: The Holly Williams Story

Okay, so I added the subtitle for dramatic effect, and I feel that I did it justice.  It adds that whole “Lifetime Original Movie” vibe, and I’m down with that.  Errrrr, maybe it should have been something about confrontation, since that’s a more accurate summary of this post.  I love the drama of it though, so “the Holly Williams Story” it is.

It has always rubbed me the wrong way when I heard people say that you should “never regret anything that once made you smile” or not to regret it if you learned something from it.  I don’t think we should spend our time focused on our regrets, but to have them is to prove that we did learn from them.  There are a few situations in my life that I regret the way I dealt with a person, or a decision I made.  I don’t dwell on those regrets or even think about them often, I’ve moved forward; but I would never say I don’t regret them, because to say I don’t regret hurting someone I love is to tell them that I wasn’t sorry I did it.  I feel like to not regret a way that we’ve hurt a person, or let God down, is to say that you would do it again if given the choice.  Regret doesn’t have to be our focus, but our lesson learned in moving forward.

That’s not the main thought, though.  That was more like the disclaimer.

So why is this random awkward picture in here?  It’s definitely the portrait of regret, as this woman jumped a fence at a zoo in Germany to go chill with the Polar Bears during feeding time.  I don’t know if she was hoping that they were more like the animals in Disney movies, but I’m sure she regretted it.  To most, this is an obvious no-no, but as it turns out things we will regret in the future don’t always get red flagged in our mind as we’re doing them.

Most of my life, I’ve been afraid to confront things or situations.  In my childhood, there was good reason for that.  Now, there isn’t.  In my adult life, I got to a place where if someone offended me or hurt me, I would just start distancing myself or even cut them off completely.  I was scared that confrontation would lead to the situation escalating, or that the person just wouldn’t care enough to work it out; and so I always felt like internalizing and dealing with it myself was better than trying to gage someone else’s reaction and prepare for rejection.  I’ve hurt a lot of people this way, by just pushing away with no explanation and not giving them a chance to hear me out and explain or change things, and I regret it.

For a lot of people, the natural reaction is the opposite, to confront everything and verbalize every thought and every feeling in a way that is as dramatic as you’re feeling in the moment; which almost always leads to saying things you don’t mean, and regrets (if you have enough of a conscience to be sorry about hurtful things you say).

It’s really tough to find middle ground between these two.  The deeper the offense or hurt, the harder it is to find the middle ground-to confront without being overtaken by your own hurt/emotions.

Today, I’m feeling at complete peace because I conquered my possible regret.  Conquered for the moment, at least, as many more opportunities will come.  This time, though I was facing a situation that I’d been avoiding for quite a while.  It was a pretty deep running frustration/hurt and I was likely to erupt, and I didn’t.  I definitely articulated how I felt and what I thought, but not with all the dramatic effect.  I stayed level-headed.    No more details necessary, but I confronted it in a level-headed way that left me with some insight (it may sound simple, but it felt like a revelation to me):  There is no greater feeling than dealing with a difficult situation in a way that leaves you with no regrets.

This definitely requires change on our part, which many of us aren’t fond of.  Many of us can hide behind “that’s just the way I am” and “I’m not changing for anybody”, but growth is change, and it’s necessary in life.  If it weren’t, we would still cry when we weren’t fed and scream when our toys were taken away.  We grow and adapt as children, but expect that to stop when we reach a certain age; when really, it’s the changes that aren’t mandatory and aren’t forced on us (the ones we make for ourselves) that define us.

We’ll always have moments where we’re blindsided by mistakes we made (hindsight really is 20/20), but if we just check ourselves before reacting, we can give ourselves time to gain perspective.

Call it growing up, but for the past few years, I’ve thought a lot about how we won’t all be around forever.  Regarding relationships with my parents, and other people that have always been the “grown ups” in my life, I have thought about how I don’t want to have a day where they are gone and I have regrets.  That’s the thought that pushed me in this particular situation to “gain perspective” and not react in my natural way.  A relationship in my life was struggling and I recognize that this person will not be around forever, and realized that I wanted to do everything on my part to do right by the relationship (no matter how difficult it was to not react as I wanted to), which for me meant speaking with a level of honesty I knew would hurt, but saying it with an absence of anger and a presence of love.  This way, even if the person didn’t receive what I said well, I would know I did what was best and move forward not feeling like the fallen relationship was my responsibility.

I wish it were easy to come up with an equation to handle every situation this way; but unfortunately every time it’s different.  It’s not easy to know how much you should say, when it comes to the truth (which is sometimes brutal); but the common denominator for every situation is that if you are operating in genuine love for that person, you will have patience and say what they need to hear and not what you want to say to punish them.  As good as we think it could feel to hurt the person who hurt us, it feels better to know that we responded in a way that doesn’t leave us with regrets.  It gives us what war with that person will not give... it gives us peace.

So today I feel great.  I feel like this one time, I know I handled it right.  I may be 1 for 1000, but that’s a start.  This new mentality is, instead of focusing on past regrets, living in a way that leaves no room for future regrets.  I won’t say “taking the high road”, as too many people have abused that phrase for too long; but it means thinking before we react, and responding with honesty and love (which is patient, and kind, and not proud or rude--THAT love never fails).

Aftermath & Hiatus.

My last post was about my health, and the actual situation... getting everyone up to speed.  This one is about the aftermath of it all.  Things learned, decisions made, and the way that life is continuing on.

My life slowed down, more than it ever has before, last September.  I went from being someone who was very busy and social, to someone who went over a month without seeing anyone but Alex and doctors.  It was a huge change, but over time, I learned to appreciate the down time for what it was; because when I rested as I should, I was more able to go and be at BTYM... which was my favorite part of life.

It’s a confusing thing to rationalize with yourself though, that you need more rest than everyone else, though.  That you can’t go out and do as much as other people.  Honestly, it took me a while to except that.  I felt like if I just pushed through, my body would accept it and get used to it... but it didn’t.  It rejected my attempts, and demanded rest.  SO, more and more, I fell back and Alex was at the church without me.  It was weird, feeling like the one on the bench.  Being a team in ministry was what we were used to.

It was tough on Alex, to have to wonder what was going on with me.  To come home after a good day and find out I had a seizure, or to panic when he called to check up on me and I didn’t answer the phone.  Plenty of people offered to come stay with me, but honestly it’s not the kind of thing that it seems having someone around would help. They can’t stop it from happening, and I’m the kind of person who would feel awkward with a babysitter.  It’s already weird, at the age of 26, to be someone’s responsibility and, at times, a burden.  Alex was great to never make me feel that way, but it really messes with a person to transition from independent to... dependent.  Not being able to go to the store anytime I need something or even get up some days, it’s a challenge mentally and emotionally just as much as it is physically.

Being the youth pastor anywhere is a big job, and a church like Brooklyn Tabernacle is no exception.  It kept us so busy, but when you love what you’re doing, that’s no issue.  When I got sick, BT was amazing and so gracious.  They did more to love and support me than I can put into words, and I will always be so thankful.  When my health was a stress for Alex, they made it clear that he could do whatever he needed to do, even if that meant only being at the church 3 days a week; but Alex didn’t feel like that was really fair either, to do that to the ministry.  He felt like what he needed to do was step down and focus on us, rather than doing the bare minimum he can get by with to keep the ministry alive.  He feels like BTYM and our marriage will both be blessed if he went the direction he felt God was leading him by focusing on what he calls his first ministry-our family.  Don’t go starting rumors that I’m pregnant, by family I mean our marriage. Ha.

I fought it.  I hated the idea of not being involved with BTYM.  I hated the idea of letting him walk away from his passion and his calling, especially when it was primarily because of what I was going through physically.  I didn’t know what we would be like without our life being centered around ministry.  Even though I wasn’t physically there, it was still my heart... our heart.  After a while of realizing that this feeling he had of what we needed to do wasn’t going away, God started to give me peace about it.

Since we got married, we’ve been so involved in ministry, which has been amazing.  We’ve been so blessed with a life together full of love and fulfillment.  But, a season has come where it seems that we need to take a hiatus from busy life and focus on US.  We believe it will be a time for God to strengthen us, build us, and help us find rest.

Telling BTYM was the hardest thing out of this whole process.  It’s so awful, to be in a position in the lives of young people that you love so much and have to make a decision that hurts and disappoints them; but we know that because we’re following God, He will take BTYM to a new level, and eventually they will be thankful.  It’s hard now, because the truth of the matter is, that’s been family.

In a few weeks, our season here in Brooklyn will be complete.  It’s been very emotional, but I know that God KNOWS the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future.  Plans to prosper BTYM and never to harm them, plans to give BTYM a hope and a future.  It’s okay to be sad at the close of a season, as long as we don’t lose hope in the next season.  God’s plans are higher than ours, and His ways are better.  What we see in part, He sees in full; and He is orchestrating something so far beyond our understanding, it’s important to trust in Him.  That’s what we’re doing, trusting Him.

Goodbyes are hard.  The only thing that will make it better is embracing a new season and trusting that God has our best interest in mind.

Health Update: Long Time Coming

Well, I think that since it is now August, and my last update was in January (yes, the one where I posted on the interweb that I was hoping to blog more often in 2011), we can call 2011 and epic fail for my blog reel.  There’s always the 4th quarter I guess; unless you’re Lebron, buh-dum-bum-chhhh!!!  I love Lebron, but I couldn’t just leave that one open.

This is a little long.  Since it’s been a while, I’m going to try to address one topic per blog, as far as catching up on my life.  This one tackles one of the bigger issues/developments of the last several months-my health progress.  So, bear with me on the length.  It won’t always be like this.

This year, thus far has held a lot of change and events, but yielded plenty of time for introspect.  I’ve made progress with my health, I think.  After 9 months straight of doctors, specialists, hospitals, take-home-machinery and way too many needles (I never get used to them), still no answer was reached, other than diagnosis of epilepsy.  They said I am epileptic, but they believe that it’s a result of the many times I’ve passed out over the past 5 years.  The passing out began with my worst migraines, but went on to happen in some random moments.  Anyway, 7 months of neurological & nervous system tests and 2 months of heart tests, no real solution was found.

We tried anti-seizure medications.  You have to try several out, one-by-one, until you find one that has less negative side effects.  The first one was the worst, with an allergic reaction.  I’ve never been allergic to anything other than pollen or dust, so I didn’t see this coming.  I had been on the medicine for about a week, so it was dancing in my bloodstream, when I woke up one morning to a neck swollen past my ears, itchy and burning hives all over my arms and legs, and a fever of 105.  Gross.  Now I wish I had a picture of myself then, though, for memory’s sake.  It wasn’t exactly exciting at the time, but now I think it would be laughable.  I probably looked like an inbred similar to the ones in movies that live in the (possibly ozarkian) hills with no human contact.  EM-barassing.  >>>>>>>>

Anyway, I found other medications that worked traded off different side effects.  The common denominator was total loss of appetite or even ability to eat.  I dropped close to 30 pounds there for a while, and still hadn’t stopped with the seizures or passing out.  In March I made the decision to stop taking those medications, partially so I could eat again, and partially because of risks of the medications.  It was a good decision.

I said all of that to say that the progress I’m making has not been the result of a medicinal cure or any recent doctor’s findings.  I’ve had the freedom to rest.  I’m learning my body, and when it’s warning me.  I always wanted to be able to keep up with everyone, and felt weak in backing down or needing to rest; but now I’m realizing how necessary it really is, for me at least.  I am learning to recognize the signs of needing to stay home or take it easy; and it helps that Alex can tell by my face before I can when I’m starting to go that direction.  Because of slowing life down, I’ve been able to take much better care of myself.

It’s an interesting process, dealing with illness.  Although it doesn’t seem like it would be, it feels very personal to talk about.  It’s not a subject I like to discuss openly with many people, as it’s not the most dignified of roles to find yourself in.  Being 26 and feeling like you’re someone’s responsibility sure brings the insecurities in that you didn’t expect to deal with, but God has continually brought me encouragement and peace.  Some days I could swear I feel people’s prayers.

Another moment it’s awkward is when I find myself answering the question “how are you feeling?”  I have good days and bad days.  I’m normally a pretty honest person, but it’s catchy, answering this question.  Some people really want to know.  Some people want to hear you respond with a faith-filled answer (I’ve been healed!), and outright denial of current reality.  Unless it’s someone I’m really close to, I don’t usually know which kind of person I’m speaking to about it until after I’ve answered.  My answer for everyone is usually, “I’m getting better, thank you for asking”.  Although some people ask again and want to know more specifically what my body is going through, most leave it at that.  There were a few occurrences where that even backfired.  One where I was rebuked for claiming I was “getting better” instead of “healed and whole”.  Another where someone told me that God was teaching me a lesson, and whenever I learned it, I’d be healed.  It took me a while to realize it, but I now know that people don’t mean malice when they say these things, it’s just uncomfortable knowing what to say unless you’ve been through it, I guess.

One thing that I have to say about speaking in faith, though, is a quote that my Pastor back in Springfield shared a long time ago:  “Faith is not denial of reality, but denying the finality of your reality”.  I don’t have to deny my current situation, I just need to acknowledge that God is able and willing to change my situation.  Paul and Silas didn’t deny they were in prison, they worshipped God anyway.  The leper wasn’t denying that he had leprosy, he was asking Jesus to heal Him (and having faith that Jesus could, and would do it).  I feel like this is where I’m at.  I don’t feel the need to walk around speaking negatively about my situation; but at the same time, I don’t feel like I should be asked how I’m feeling if someone knows what they want to hear and will correct me with a “holier” answer if I speak anything different.  If this sounds harsh, forgive me.  All I’m saying is I don’t want to guess what people want to hear when they ask how I’m feeling.  I just want people to think about what they’re saying.  Many times I’ve had these things spoken to me, and I’ve been thankful that I know God as I do; because some of the things people say would confuse me about Him if I didn’t know any better.

It is what it is.  I believe with all my heart that God works all things for good.  I believe with all my heart that He is my source, my strength, and my healer.  I’m very encouraged and trusting Him in my everyday life.  As the song goes, “He’s never failed me yet...”

Thanks, everyone for the prayers, encouragement and gifts.  Being so far from where I grew up, I’ve been blessed to have received more love than I ever could have expected.  I feel so blessed to have so many great people standing in agreement with me.

New Year’s Resolution: Look Inward

I’ve always been considered a very steadfast, stable person (well since I was old enough to have established my personality, maybe in high school). I’m mild tempered and very few people have ever seen me show genuine anger. I’m pretty consistent in my lifestyle, and I am who I say I am. If you ask my friends or family, they would tell you I’m a level headed person with a good balance. I always saw myself as such, too. It’s easy to see others’ view of you and accept it as a diagnosis of who you are. In my case, I took pride in being that kind of person. In my earlier years, life was so unstable that I desired to be a very consistent person. The only thing about going on others’ judgement of you is, they see only what you put out there for them to see, and most of us put our best foot forward in our relationships.

When I got married, it became nearly impossible to hide from the real me though. Not that I was secretly some night and day difference from what I represented myself to be; but when you get really close to someone, it’s harder to hide your personality quirks, your unjustified mood swings, and the flaws in your character. In the past, if I’d had a day where I was particularly negative in my attitude, generally angry or even somber, when I went around friends I would get it together and not show the disposition I’d been carrying all day. When you’re married, something just switches and you’re much more transparent than you ever anticipated, or intended. This is where self-awareness comes in.

If I’m frustrated with someone and I explain myself (my feelings, my side of the story, my perspective or interpretation of events that led to my frustration) to a friend, in most cases, they are going to also see through the picture I just painted them. They’ll agree with me, and further my belief that I’m right (whether I am or not). If the person I’m frustrated with went to a friend and shared their feelings, their side of the story, and their perspective on those same events, said friend would probably view and understand their side.

One thing I’ve been realizing is, we have to make a conscious decision to evaluate ourselves regularly, and be honest with ourselves about when we’re wrong. We spend so much time trying to justify our actions and validate our poor perspective, that we miss out on the growth that takes place when we humble ourselves and acknowledge that we aren’t perfect, and that we messed up. It’s so hard to admit wrong, but it benefits us to such a higher degree when we catch (and admit) our flaws in the early stages, rather than justifying them for a long time and realizing down the road we’re the opposite of who we intended to be. This is why there are so many fallen ministers and scandals of people in leadership... it’s hard, when you’re a respected person and you’re struggling/ catching yourself in the wrong. It’s hard because we want to be perfect. So instead of acknowledging shortcomings and failures along the way, they end up in these huge hidden scandals that explode and prove the corruption further. NOBODY is perfect, but it’s admitting the areas of weakness in our life that sets us apart, gives us the accountability to grow, and keeps us from falling further.

In reading this, there are a lot of people who will think of less than perfect Christians they know and point a metaphorical finger, but this is where it’s most important to look inward. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus tells us, “be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect”. Why would Jesus say that, knowing that, in our flawed, sinful nature, we could never be perfect? Because it’s in the STRIVING for perfection, that we accomplish His will for us. He knows we can’t BE perfect, but He wants us to TRY. In order to do that, we must be honest with ourselves and with God.

Proverbs 16:2 says, “All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD.” The truth is, we can all convince ourselves that we are right; that, even though we party on weekends, gossip about people, go to church on Sunday and deliberately make decisions that we KNOW displease God, that God knows our heart so it’s okay. We think that just because we’ve convinced ourselves that our motives are good, that God will see that. False. Just because we think our heart is in the right place, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t see through our self-serving, prideful perspective. Even Hitler really truly believed he was doing the right thing, so there’s no question that with our compromises of character (that pale in comparison to Hitler’s), it’s easy for us to convince ourseves that it’s okay because we mean well.

My New Year’s resolution is to look inward, to evaluate myself. It’s that not only my actions and words, but even my thoughts and my heart would please God. My verse for the year (or indefinitely) is Psalm 51:10, where David (who was a hot mess and had made mistakes most of us would never dream of) told God “Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.” Other translations say steadfast or loyal spirit (which presents an interesting thought, that to have a heart that is not right, is to be DISLOYAL to God). I want to allow God to change me, and in order to do that, I must be willing to acknowledge my imperfections.

There’s no landmark to prove that I’ve accomplished this a year from now, like as if I wanted to lose 10 lbs or something. As a matter of fact, I don’t think this is something that any of us could master in a year. But a year from now, I hope that we’ve made progress. That we’ve searched inward, and allowed God to remove the pride, the selfish ambition, the unforgiveness, moodiness, or whatever it is that we’re not honest with ourselves about. We have to give God access to every aspect of our lives, because if He’s not Lord OF all (in our lives), He’s not Lord AT all.