Health Update: Long Time Coming

Well, I think that since it is now August, and my last update was in January (yes, the one where I posted on the interweb that I was hoping to blog more often in 2011), we can call 2011 and epic fail for my blog reel.  There’s always the 4th quarter I guess; unless you’re Lebron, buh-dum-bum-chhhh!!!  I love Lebron, but I couldn’t just leave that one open.

This is a little long.  Since it’s been a while, I’m going to try to address one topic per blog, as far as catching up on my life.  This one tackles one of the bigger issues/developments of the last several months-my health progress.  So, bear with me on the length.  It won’t always be like this.

This year, thus far has held a lot of change and events, but yielded plenty of time for introspect.  I’ve made progress with my health, I think.  After 9 months straight of doctors, specialists, hospitals, take-home-machinery and way too many needles (I never get used to them), still no answer was reached, other than diagnosis of epilepsy.  They said I am epileptic, but they believe that it’s a result of the many times I’ve passed out over the past 5 years.  The passing out began with my worst migraines, but went on to happen in some random moments.  Anyway, 7 months of neurological & nervous system tests and 2 months of heart tests, no real solution was found.

We tried anti-seizure medications.  You have to try several out, one-by-one, until you find one that has less negative side effects.  The first one was the worst, with an allergic reaction.  I’ve never been allergic to anything other than pollen or dust, so I didn’t see this coming.  I had been on the medicine for about a week, so it was dancing in my bloodstream, when I woke up one morning to a neck swollen past my ears, itchy and burning hives all over my arms and legs, and a fever of 105.  Gross.  Now I wish I had a picture of myself then, though, for memory’s sake.  It wasn’t exactly exciting at the time, but now I think it would be laughable.  I probably looked like an inbred similar to the ones in movies that live in the (possibly ozarkian) hills with no human contact.  EM-barassing.  >>>>>>>>

Anyway, I found other medications that worked traded off different side effects.  The common denominator was total loss of appetite or even ability to eat.  I dropped close to 30 pounds there for a while, and still hadn’t stopped with the seizures or passing out.  In March I made the decision to stop taking those medications, partially so I could eat again, and partially because of risks of the medications.  It was a good decision.

I said all of that to say that the progress I’m making has not been the result of a medicinal cure or any recent doctor’s findings.  I’ve had the freedom to rest.  I’m learning my body, and when it’s warning me.  I always wanted to be able to keep up with everyone, and felt weak in backing down or needing to rest; but now I’m realizing how necessary it really is, for me at least.  I am learning to recognize the signs of needing to stay home or take it easy; and it helps that Alex can tell by my face before I can when I’m starting to go that direction.  Because of slowing life down, I’ve been able to take much better care of myself.

It’s an interesting process, dealing with illness.  Although it doesn’t seem like it would be, it feels very personal to talk about.  It’s not a subject I like to discuss openly with many people, as it’s not the most dignified of roles to find yourself in.  Being 26 and feeling like you’re someone’s responsibility sure brings the insecurities in that you didn’t expect to deal with, but God has continually brought me encouragement and peace.  Some days I could swear I feel people’s prayers.

Another moment it’s awkward is when I find myself answering the question “how are you feeling?”  I have good days and bad days.  I’m normally a pretty honest person, but it’s catchy, answering this question.  Some people really want to know.  Some people want to hear you respond with a faith-filled answer (I’ve been healed!), and outright denial of current reality.  Unless it’s someone I’m really close to, I don’t usually know which kind of person I’m speaking to about it until after I’ve answered.  My answer for everyone is usually, “I’m getting better, thank you for asking”.  Although some people ask again and want to know more specifically what my body is going through, most leave it at that.  There were a few occurrences where that even backfired.  One where I was rebuked for claiming I was “getting better” instead of “healed and whole”.  Another where someone told me that God was teaching me a lesson, and whenever I learned it, I’d be healed.  It took me a while to realize it, but I now know that people don’t mean malice when they say these things, it’s just uncomfortable knowing what to say unless you’ve been through it, I guess.

One thing that I have to say about speaking in faith, though, is a quote that my Pastor back in Springfield shared a long time ago:  “Faith is not denial of reality, but denying the finality of your reality”.  I don’t have to deny my current situation, I just need to acknowledge that God is able and willing to change my situation.  Paul and Silas didn’t deny they were in prison, they worshipped God anyway.  The leper wasn’t denying that he had leprosy, he was asking Jesus to heal Him (and having faith that Jesus could, and would do it).  I feel like this is where I’m at.  I don’t feel the need to walk around speaking negatively about my situation; but at the same time, I don’t feel like I should be asked how I’m feeling if someone knows what they want to hear and will correct me with a “holier” answer if I speak anything different.  If this sounds harsh, forgive me.  All I’m saying is I don’t want to guess what people want to hear when they ask how I’m feeling.  I just want people to think about what they’re saying.  Many times I’ve had these things spoken to me, and I’ve been thankful that I know God as I do; because some of the things people say would confuse me about Him if I didn’t know any better.

It is what it is.  I believe with all my heart that God works all things for good.  I believe with all my heart that He is my source, my strength, and my healer.  I’m very encouraged and trusting Him in my everyday life.  As the song goes, “He’s never failed me yet...”

Thanks, everyone for the prayers, encouragement and gifts.  Being so far from where I grew up, I’ve been blessed to have received more love than I ever could have expected.  I feel so blessed to have so many great people standing in agreement with me.

New Year’s Resolution: Look Inward

I’ve always been considered a very steadfast, stable person (well since I was old enough to have established my personality, maybe in high school). I’m mild tempered and very few people have ever seen me show genuine anger. I’m pretty consistent in my lifestyle, and I am who I say I am. If you ask my friends or family, they would tell you I’m a level headed person with a good balance. I always saw myself as such, too. It’s easy to see others’ view of you and accept it as a diagnosis of who you are. In my case, I took pride in being that kind of person. In my earlier years, life was so unstable that I desired to be a very consistent person. The only thing about going on others’ judgement of you is, they see only what you put out there for them to see, and most of us put our best foot forward in our relationships.

When I got married, it became nearly impossible to hide from the real me though. Not that I was secretly some night and day difference from what I represented myself to be; but when you get really close to someone, it’s harder to hide your personality quirks, your unjustified mood swings, and the flaws in your character. In the past, if I’d had a day where I was particularly negative in my attitude, generally angry or even somber, when I went around friends I would get it together and not show the disposition I’d been carrying all day. When you’re married, something just switches and you’re much more transparent than you ever anticipated, or intended. This is where self-awareness comes in.

If I’m frustrated with someone and I explain myself (my feelings, my side of the story, my perspective or interpretation of events that led to my frustration) to a friend, in most cases, they are going to also see through the picture I just painted them. They’ll agree with me, and further my belief that I’m right (whether I am or not). If the person I’m frustrated with went to a friend and shared their feelings, their side of the story, and their perspective on those same events, said friend would probably view and understand their side.

One thing I’ve been realizing is, we have to make a conscious decision to evaluate ourselves regularly, and be honest with ourselves about when we’re wrong. We spend so much time trying to justify our actions and validate our poor perspective, that we miss out on the growth that takes place when we humble ourselves and acknowledge that we aren’t perfect, and that we messed up. It’s so hard to admit wrong, but it benefits us to such a higher degree when we catch (and admit) our flaws in the early stages, rather than justifying them for a long time and realizing down the road we’re the opposite of who we intended to be. This is why there are so many fallen ministers and scandals of people in leadership... it’s hard, when you’re a respected person and you’re struggling/ catching yourself in the wrong. It’s hard because we want to be perfect. So instead of acknowledging shortcomings and failures along the way, they end up in these huge hidden scandals that explode and prove the corruption further. NOBODY is perfect, but it’s admitting the areas of weakness in our life that sets us apart, gives us the accountability to grow, and keeps us from falling further.

In reading this, there are a lot of people who will think of less than perfect Christians they know and point a metaphorical finger, but this is where it’s most important to look inward. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus tells us, “be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect”. Why would Jesus say that, knowing that, in our flawed, sinful nature, we could never be perfect? Because it’s in the STRIVING for perfection, that we accomplish His will for us. He knows we can’t BE perfect, but He wants us to TRY. In order to do that, we must be honest with ourselves and with God.

Proverbs 16:2 says, “All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD.” The truth is, we can all convince ourselves that we are right; that, even though we party on weekends, gossip about people, go to church on Sunday and deliberately make decisions that we KNOW displease God, that God knows our heart so it’s okay. We think that just because we’ve convinced ourselves that our motives are good, that God will see that. False. Just because we think our heart is in the right place, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t see through our self-serving, prideful perspective. Even Hitler really truly believed he was doing the right thing, so there’s no question that with our compromises of character (that pale in comparison to Hitler’s), it’s easy for us to convince ourseves that it’s okay because we mean well.

My New Year’s resolution is to look inward, to evaluate myself. It’s that not only my actions and words, but even my thoughts and my heart would please God. My verse for the year (or indefinitely) is Psalm 51:10, where David (who was a hot mess and had made mistakes most of us would never dream of) told God “Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.” Other translations say steadfast or loyal spirit (which presents an interesting thought, that to have a heart that is not right, is to be DISLOYAL to God). I want to allow God to change me, and in order to do that, I must be willing to acknowledge my imperfections.

There’s no landmark to prove that I’ve accomplished this a year from now, like as if I wanted to lose 10 lbs or something. As a matter of fact, I don’t think this is something that any of us could master in a year. But a year from now, I hope that we’ve made progress. That we’ve searched inward, and allowed God to remove the pride, the selfish ambition, the unforgiveness, moodiness, or whatever it is that we’re not honest with ourselves about. We have to give God access to every aspect of our lives, because if He’s not Lord OF all (in our lives), He’s not Lord AT all.

Wrapping up 2010

2010 has been a year of seeking God, and a year of transition. A year of learning, and re-learning. A year of trusting God.

There’s no way to summarize all that I’ve learned in the last year, and a lot of it is distributed in pieces through my blogs and thoughts.

During the beginning of the year, I was learning to trust God’s plan. We spent time in fasting and prayer and I grew to understand that, while we are seeking Him, God is orchestrating things to work in a way that, in our limited perspective, we don’t understand. He is Sovereign. And just like He’s faithful when we’re not, He’s got it figured out, when we don’t.

What we see in part, He sees in full. I don’t believe that "everything happens for a reason", but I believe that God causes everything to work for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. God doesn’t cause us pain and destruction to teach us a lesson; but when we are in the midst of it, He teaches us. He speaks to us. He doesn’t always remove us from the situation causing us pain, but He shows us how to let it raise us up, make ourselves better. He gives us peace.

I’ve re-learned that He is my peace. He is the answer to my question, and the solution to my problem. He is my healer. When doctors don’t know the answer, it’s no mystery to God. He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. For me, personally, physical challenges have been the challenge issued against my faith. It’s easy for me, in the big picture, to know that He is the answer. It’s easy to know, after all He’s already delivered me from in my lifetime, that He can take care of this. The challenge is keeping that in the forefront of my mind when my body is failing me. It is to glorify the answer, and not the problem.

I’m re-learning that Jesus has to be my heartbeat. All my hope and all my trust must be in Him. Not just in the big picture, but also the small. Even though doctors haven’t figured things out yet, even though it’s still a daily challenge; He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. I KNOW where my help comes from. It’s just important to remind yourself, because in the little moments it’s easy to get distracted from that.

A 3 month break from regular daily life reminded me of why my life is about what it is. A God that so graciously picked up the broken pieces of my life and dysfunction and brought me to a place where I’m no longer a wounded outcast, but a whole person with real love in my life, and healthy relationships. I’m by no means perfect, but not a product of the dysfunction that could have shaped me. I’m better because of it. I want to share that. I look back at the most broken times of my life, and I can see the people God placed in my path to prove that I wasn’t unlovable, to show me a sense of worth.

I want to be that person on the paths of others. I’m no Savior. Only Jesus is. I can’t be the person that rescues anyone; but I aspire to be like the ones that God put in my path, that people look back, down the road and realize, “God put her there to show me that He loved me, and I wasn’t alone”. No job or task, or any passing moment is more important than that.

I’m looking forward to 2011 for a new year of wisdom and growth. A year of renewed perspective and strength. I’m realizing I’m not the person who is ashamed of each year I grow older, but thankful for the wisdom and experience that year represents... so bring it on, 2011.

This Christmas Will Be...

Christmas is rapidly approaching. I’ve never been so behind on Christmas shopping.

I have my decorating done, though. I start getting edgy after Thanksgiving if it’s not done. It’s such a comfort for me. I guess Christmas is the most ideal, the most utopian part of life, for me. When I was a kid, even though life was crazy, Christmas was the time my Mom would do everything to make it feel perfect. From Christmas snacks and goodies, to watching Christmas claymation movies with us, and creating an environment that was so much better than the rest of life. As I got older, it was different traditions that meant so much, from my home church’s drive through Christmas Lighting display, to the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service, that it now feels weird not to have.

The holidays are such a time of reflection... a time of thankfulness.

God moved us to Brooklyn, NY, and I would have never guessed one year ago that we’d be here now. I would have never guessed that life would have taken so many unexpected turns. I’m thankful to be inside His will, because that’s more “home” than any physical place can be. I will always have a gravitational pull back to my hometown to visit those I love; but just recognizing that where God places us, He provides. I’m not talking about money provisions, but comfort, peace, and JOY. I’ve been challenged physically more in the last 4 months than probably ever in my life, and it would have been a great opportunity for me to have felt alone. I’d be lying if I’d said I didn’t miss family and friends; but while staying home, in bed, for around 3 months, God refreshed me.

At the risk of sounding like a new-age hippie, He reminded me why we do what we do. What it’s all about. He reminded me of what’s important to me, and how it came to be so important to me. That ministry is not a JOB but an opportunity to share the same love and belonging that saved my life. Nothing is more important than that.

Sitting by my Christmas tree, feeling grateful to have made it to this Christmas; and to have a wonderful husband to share it with (been married three years and some change now). I’m thankful that we’ve lasted. I know three years doesn’t seem like much, and many reading this may roll your eyes, but it’s a big deal to me. I was not very experienced at letting someone be this much in my life... and my husband has made this the best three years of my life. Good and bad, my life has never felt quite so full. He has endured much with me, and proved to be the love of my life, and my absolute soulmate and best friend. He is proof that God is specific and gives good gifts to those who wait on Him.

My life is not perfect. I’m not even close to perfect. My life is proof of a living God who has mended the broken, and done serious rebuilding from the ruins I was in before.

It all goes back to Jesus...

When telling about my life, I always tell small pieces. I always share about isolated incidents or eras of my life. Never once have I tried to share my life’s testimony, because there’s SO MUCH that I’ve been through (sometimes it feels it stops being believable). I don’t say this trying to be a martyr, but as someone who has been delivered through so many hard times; someone who has been given the measure of grace and the strength to endure time and time again.

I learned at a young age to rely on Jesus. Times may come when He is all you have; and those are the times that you realize He is all you really need.

I know this can sound basic to Christians, and it can sound preachy to people who aren’t, or who aren’t as sure about their beliefs. Because so many Christians are so harsh and over-exercize their right to speak their mind (and forget who they’re representing), it’s become more natural for most Christians of my generation, myself included, to not shove our beliefs down anyone’s throat; but to live a life that we feel represents who God is to us, and not be very vocal about it. I think it’s important though, that we share what a GOOD God we know.

When I was in middle school and high school, my life was turned upside down by my mom’s mental illness and drug abuse. It slowly tore apart my whole life and all familiarity I’d ever had. I held on to my life with my mom long after my brother left, and hoped everything would change; until things escalated to a point of no return and I had to move in with my father and his wife. I lost everything and was living in a home where I did not feel wanted or even liked. It was the period of time where everyone expects you to go crazy and experiment and try to find love in all the wrong places. I was hurting, but I knew God well enough to know that HE was what I needed. He was not some harsh, hateful meanie with a magnifying glass, He was the shield around me and the lifter of my head. He was Jehovah Shalom, my peace (nothing broken, nothing missing). He was my validation.

Even though life had it’s hurtful times, God sent people to be His hands and feet in my life. I had a church. I had people that reached out to me and loved me. I was never hopeless.

I was blessed enough to learn that He was the solution to my every problem at a young age. You’d think that lesson would stick for a lifetime, and I mean, in a way it does; but I have to relearn that lesson repeatedly.

In my recent struggles in my health, I’ve been reminded of this again. What we see in part, He sees in whole. When doctors don’t know, He does. When I’m not strong enough, He is. It’s so important to understand the nature of who God is. Sometimes the Christian world can represent Him to be so vengeful and harsh, but Jesus came with grace, compassion, and (the greatest) love. It’s important to remember that, no matter how old you get, how long you’ve known Him, or what you’re going through, you’re never out of the reach of His love and grace. Understanding that, my whole life, after all I’ve been through, He’s always been what I needed Him to be. He’s always been my source, of peace, of strength, of joy, of LIFE.

Of Course They Don’t Understand...

Lately I've been noticing how we, as Christians, can tend to feel like life is supposed to be perfect. We've gone overboard with "if God is for us, then who can be against us" into forgetting that this was written by Paul, a man who was beaten and imprisoned for doing the work of the Lord. When anyone questions or doesn't understand our lifestyle or faith, we start questioning why, and some of us even pray that God would strike them down (when the New Testament tells us to pray for those who persecute us). We don't even think anymore about how many men and women of God faced adversity before us, and often, when we're reminded, it makes no difference. We want that PROSPEROUS Christian life. We want the GLORY to GLORY. We want the GLORIOUS RICHES (not just talking materially, but in every aspect of life).

Jesus, Himself said, "if the world hates you, remember that it hated me first" (John 15.18). You may not feel like the world hates you, but so many of us let our emotions escalate to that the first time someone doesn't understand our higher standards (you should have higher standards, and if you've never run into this issue, you should ask yourself why), or they don't understand our faith in tough times, or believing for a miracle, or using your gifts for the Lord instead of going the worldly route.

2 Corinthians 4.4 says, "The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God". It says so clearly that Satan has blinded this world from seeing or understanding our faith at all. If they don't understand "the light", then most likely they won't understand the decisions that go along with walking in the light, or the journey that it entails.  


Jesus accomplished SO MUCH in His lifetime. God sent Him down here knowing exactly what His life would consist of and what it would be. From a worldly perspective, people look at His life and see Him as a teacher or ever miracle worker whose life was tragically cut short; when really it was just what it was intended to be. The mentality of the world is so distorted, that we HAVE to be Heaven minded, we HAVE to set our mind on the things above... and of course the world won't understand that.

For years I was so sick of the "angry Christians" that try to tell people who and what God hates, and use that to try to "preach"; I was so sick of those Christians that I thought the best way to coexist and even to be a good witness, was to tip toe with my faith and let being a a loving person do my witnessing for me. The thing about that is, the world isn't scared to say what they believe (or don't believe), but often times we are. We use not wanting to scare people away as an excuse to let our intimidation rule us. Why are we intimidated? Often times it's because we don't even fully understand why we believe what we do. That's when it's important to not just be a spiritual-high Christian, but someone who knows the Word, and knows from your experience what God has brought you through.

Philippians 1.28 says "Don’t be intimidated in any way by your enemies. This will be a sign to them that they are going to be destroyed, but that you are going to be saved, even by God himself." When we fall back and are intimidated, we make it seem like we have lies to be uncovered. We need to be confident in the truth that we know and live by, and say what we believe, and why we make the decisions we do as Christians (and be conscious of and upfront about it when we, in ourselves, mess up so that our mistakes are not pinned to Christianity). We know the truth, and the world doesn't... so why should be be afraid to live out loud?

This doesn't mean that we need to be argumentative and seek out opportunities to cram our beliefs down others' throat; it means that we need to be who we say we are, and say who we are... not be secret service Christians. The world will never understand unless we explain it to them. If you are facing adversity, don't see it as a tragedy in your life; see it as an opportunity to show someone who Jesus really is, by not retrogressing on the truth that is inside of you.

ENOUGH

I grew up being the kind of person who had no control over the crazy things taking place in my life. I had a ridiculously unstable home life, and it made me the kind of person that had a lot of grace to put up with almost any temperment or issues people could bring to the table.

Somehow, in the process of growing up and branching away from those things, I began to get to the point of controlling what I let into my life. Makes sense, right? I made the decision that neither family nor friends would be a part of my life unless they treated me like I felt I deserved to be treated, and didn't bring all kinds of negative energy into my life. I was learning to stand up for myself, and it was empowering.

I reached a place where, as soon as someone mistreated me, I began to disregard them. It was a defense mechanism to finally control my life, but it was too extreme. I felt completely justified in writing people off, and decided I'd "had enough" of getting mistreated. "Enough" of other people's moods and temperments effecting me and the way that I lived my life. "Enough" of certain personalities... I was wrong.

More and more, I've been feeling very convicted about that mentality. Shutting down on people, and shutting them out isn't a way of life. There are very limited circumstances where it is okay, or even necessary; but it's by no means an acceptable way to deal with every person who doesn't act the way I wish they would. I heard a teacher say once, "If we only love someone when they act as we feel they should, we don't love them; we only love the reflection of ourself in them".

This has been an internal conflict of mine for quite some time now, because for me, it's really hard to find the balance between being a total doormat, and just cutting people out of my life. It took me forever to get the point where I could say or do anything when someone hurt me, so to step up and have some control was amazing for me. To tell a family member who had been abusive for years, "I've had enough" was a huge step for me. I just went a little overboard. Anyone who I felt had wronged me, I just began cutting them out before giving them a chance to make it right. But lately, I couldn't help but think, "What if Jesus had decided that He had 'had enough"? I know it sounds cheesy to use that as an example, but He's the ultimate example of what love is... the kind I would strive to be. I claim to want to love like Him, but run when that gets me hurt?

In Ephesians 4:1-2 it says: "... live a life worthy of the calling you have received in Christ Jesus. Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient; bearing with one another in love." I had always interpreted the first part to "live a life worthy of the calling" as to not live a double life. Not to say one thing and do another, not to try to party all weekend and minister on Sunday kind of thing (which is still true). BUT he then wrote to be humble and gentle, and patient, bearing with one another in love. Not everyone is called to full time ministry... as a matter of fact, not that many are... but we are all called to LOVE. And so for us to live worthy of the call to love, that requires us to "bear with one another". I am the first to acknowledge that I'm a work in progress, but it would break my heart to be written off because of a mistake I made; because I know my heart and my intentions, and that they are not to hurt people. But is it fair that I deal with my shortcomings delicately, and evaluate myself based on intentions, but judge everyone else according to their actions?

Bottom line, it's more often than not that the better choice is not to give up on people, but to be humble and gentle, and bear with one another in love. It used to be my natural instinct, but sometime while growing up, I lost that. I think I may have even made the conscious decision to stop being that way. I didn't want to get hurt. But the truth of the matter is, when we are broken-hearted for His sake, He holds us close (Psalm 51:17). I would rather be accused of being too loving and kind than be accused of being too harsh and lacking love. "If I give everything I have to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."  It doesn't matter how great a person we are, or how much we love God, or what great deeds we do in His name, if our love is tainted or corrupted, we gain nothing. So, more important than guarding my heart and protecting my feelings and emotions, is giving my whole heart to the work of God, and letting Him be my avenger, letting Him stand up for me and be my validation.

------disclaimer for any of my girls reading this: It doesn't mean don't give up on a boyfriend or guy you like because he doesn't act right. I'm talking about giving up on people that you need to reach with GOD'S love, not your love and emotions. When it comes to relationships, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't treat you right, nor should you pursue or want to be with someone like that. Okay... just had to make that clear so my words didn't backfire. :)