When I got married, it became nearly impossible to hide from the real me though. Not that I was secretly some night and day difference from what I represented myself to be; but when you get really close to someone, it’s harder to hide your personality quirks, your unjustified mood swings, and the flaws in your character. In the past, if I’d had a day where I was particularly negative in my attitude, generally angry or even somber, when I went around friends I would get it together and not show the disposition I’d been carrying all day. When you’re married, something just switches and you’re much more transparent than you ever anticipated, or intended. This is where self-awareness comes in.
If I’m frustrated with someone and I explain myself (my feelings, my side of the story, my perspective or interpretation of events that led to my frustration) to a friend, in most cases, they are going to also see through the picture I just painted them. They’ll agree with me, and further my belief that I’m right (whether I am or not). If the person I’m frustrated with went to a friend and shared their feelings, their side of the story, and their perspective on those same events, said friend would probably view and understand their side.
One thing I’ve been realizing is, we have to make a conscious decision to evaluate ourselves regularly, and be honest with ourselves about when we’re wrong. We spend so much time trying to justify our actions and validate our poor perspective, that we miss out on the growth that takes place when we humble ourselves and acknowledge that we aren’t perfect, and that we messed up. It’s so hard to admit wrong, but it benefits us to such a higher degree when we catch (and admit) our flaws in the early stages, rather than justifying them for a long time and realizing down the road we’re the opposite of who we intended to be. This is why there are so many fallen ministers and scandals of people in leadership... it’s hard, when you’re a respected person and you’re struggling/ catching yourself in the wrong. It’s hard because we want to be perfect. So instead of acknowledging shortcomings and failures along the way, they end up in these huge hidden scandals that explode and prove the corruption further. NOBODY is perfect, but it’s admitting the areas of weakness in our life that sets us apart, gives us the accountability to grow, and keeps us from falling further.
In reading this, there are a lot of people who will think of less than perfect Christians they know and point a metaphorical finger, but this is where it’s most important to look inward. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus tells us, “be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect”. Why would Jesus say that, knowing that, in our flawed, sinful nature, we could never be perfect? Because it’s in the STRIVING for perfection, that we accomplish His will for us. He knows we can’t BE perfect, but He wants us to TRY. In order to do that, we must be honest with ourselves and with God.
Proverbs 16:2 says, “All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD.” The truth is, we can all convince ourselves that we are right; that, even though we party on weekends, gossip about people, go to church on Sunday and deliberately make decisions that we KNOW displease God, that God knows our heart so it’s okay. We think that just because we’ve convinced ourselves that our motives are good, that God will see that. False. Just because we think our heart is in the right place, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t see through our self-serving, prideful perspective. Even Hitler really truly believed he was doing the right thing, so there’s no question that with our compromises of character (that pale in comparison to Hitler’s), it’s easy for us to convince ourseves that it’s okay because we mean well.
My New Year’s resolution is to look inward, to evaluate myself. It’s that not only my actions and words, but even my thoughts and my heart would please God. My verse for the year (or indefinitely) is Psalm 51:10, where David (who was a hot mess and had made mistakes most of us would never dream of) told God “Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.” Other translations say steadfast or loyal spirit (which presents an interesting thought, that to have a heart that is not right, is to be DISLOYAL to God). I want to allow God to change me, and in order to do that, I must be willing to acknowledge my imperfections.
There’s no landmark to prove that I’ve accomplished this a year from now, like as if I wanted to lose 10 lbs or something. As a matter of fact, I don’t think this is something that any of us could master in a year. But a year from now, I hope that we’ve made progress. That we’ve searched inward, and allowed God to remove the pride, the selfish ambition, the unforgiveness, moodiness, or whatever it is that we’re not honest with ourselves about. We have to give God access to every aspect of our lives, because if He’s not Lord OF all (in our lives), He’s not Lord AT all.
