ENOUGH

I grew up being the kind of person who had no control over the crazy things taking place in my life. I had a ridiculously unstable home life, and it made me the kind of person that had a lot of grace to put up with almost any temperment or issues people could bring to the table.

Somehow, in the process of growing up and branching away from those things, I began to get to the point of controlling what I let into my life. Makes sense, right? I made the decision that neither family nor friends would be a part of my life unless they treated me like I felt I deserved to be treated, and didn't bring all kinds of negative energy into my life. I was learning to stand up for myself, and it was empowering.

I reached a place where, as soon as someone mistreated me, I began to disregard them. It was a defense mechanism to finally control my life, but it was too extreme. I felt completely justified in writing people off, and decided I'd "had enough" of getting mistreated. "Enough" of other people's moods and temperments effecting me and the way that I lived my life. "Enough" of certain personalities... I was wrong.

More and more, I've been feeling very convicted about that mentality. Shutting down on people, and shutting them out isn't a way of life. There are very limited circumstances where it is okay, or even necessary; but it's by no means an acceptable way to deal with every person who doesn't act the way I wish they would. I heard a teacher say once, "If we only love someone when they act as we feel they should, we don't love them; we only love the reflection of ourself in them".

This has been an internal conflict of mine for quite some time now, because for me, it's really hard to find the balance between being a total doormat, and just cutting people out of my life. It took me forever to get the point where I could say or do anything when someone hurt me, so to step up and have some control was amazing for me. To tell a family member who had been abusive for years, "I've had enough" was a huge step for me. I just went a little overboard. Anyone who I felt had wronged me, I just began cutting them out before giving them a chance to make it right. But lately, I couldn't help but think, "What if Jesus had decided that He had 'had enough"? I know it sounds cheesy to use that as an example, but He's the ultimate example of what love is... the kind I would strive to be. I claim to want to love like Him, but run when that gets me hurt?

In Ephesians 4:1-2 it says: "... live a life worthy of the calling you have received in Christ Jesus. Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient; bearing with one another in love." I had always interpreted the first part to "live a life worthy of the calling" as to not live a double life. Not to say one thing and do another, not to try to party all weekend and minister on Sunday kind of thing (which is still true). BUT he then wrote to be humble and gentle, and patient, bearing with one another in love. Not everyone is called to full time ministry... as a matter of fact, not that many are... but we are all called to LOVE. And so for us to live worthy of the call to love, that requires us to "bear with one another". I am the first to acknowledge that I'm a work in progress, but it would break my heart to be written off because of a mistake I made; because I know my heart and my intentions, and that they are not to hurt people. But is it fair that I deal with my shortcomings delicately, and evaluate myself based on intentions, but judge everyone else according to their actions?

Bottom line, it's more often than not that the better choice is not to give up on people, but to be humble and gentle, and bear with one another in love. It used to be my natural instinct, but sometime while growing up, I lost that. I think I may have even made the conscious decision to stop being that way. I didn't want to get hurt. But the truth of the matter is, when we are broken-hearted for His sake, He holds us close (Psalm 51:17). I would rather be accused of being too loving and kind than be accused of being too harsh and lacking love. "If I give everything I have to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."  It doesn't matter how great a person we are, or how much we love God, or what great deeds we do in His name, if our love is tainted or corrupted, we gain nothing. So, more important than guarding my heart and protecting my feelings and emotions, is giving my whole heart to the work of God, and letting Him be my avenger, letting Him stand up for me and be my validation.

------disclaimer for any of my girls reading this: It doesn't mean don't give up on a boyfriend or guy you like because he doesn't act right. I'm talking about giving up on people that you need to reach with GOD'S love, not your love and emotions. When it comes to relationships, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't treat you right, nor should you pursue or want to be with someone like that. Okay... just had to make that clear so my words didn't backfire. :)

CHRISTians

I've been thinking a lot lately about Christianity. Not just mine... Christianity as a whole. I've been thinking about the view of it that people who are/aren't a part of it take. I've been thinking about the way that many of us represent it more as an elite club one must jump through hoops to be an honorable part of. I've been thinking about what it's supposed to mean about those of us who are a part of it, that we are "little Christ"s, or imitators of Christ. I've been thinking about how in Springfield, the "Bible Belt" of the United States, we are so religious-minded and quick to condemn, saying and believing things like "God hates homosexuals" and other lies (I'm aware that many "christians" say that all over the country, but just that this is where I am and where I've seen it). To be honest, I can't imagine many things that God would hate more than putting our own hateful words in His mouth when talking to other people, and misrepresenting a God of love to be a God of hate. I was thinking about how when we decide that we are going to be Christians, we wear the name of Christ on our hearts, and on our lives... and it forces me to evaluate... do I wear it well?

I've seen more of my friends turned away from God because of condemnation then I can count on both hands. I'm not saying that we should tiptoe around as Christians and say that things are okay with us that aren't. Let's be honest, the rest of the world doesn't neglect to stand up for what they believe, so why should we? I'm saying that when we stand for a God of love, how on earth do we expect to convey that with messages of hate. Jesus died on the cross for US. For OUR sins. To tell any person that God hates them because of their sin, is to block them from knowing and understanding the beautiful thing that God did, in sending His son... FOR LOVE. It has burdened my heart lately to see the view so many of us have taken.

The truth is, it seems that the majority of our generation (the majority, not the whole) fall into two categories: either completely doctrine spitting, hate preaching Christians or the kind of Christians that believe that nothing is wrong and all forms of living are fine. It's okay to stand for what we do, we just can't do it in a condemning fashion, without love. The bible says that "If I speak in the tongues of men of angels, but have not love, I'm only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal".... meaning it doesn't matter what you're saying, if you're not saying it in love, you're just making noise. The truth is neither side is right.

I don't know how the former even believe in God. If they've ever sinned in their life, and they can tell anyone that God hates them, then they must have a very fickle image of who God is. They must be sad inside and constantly feeling like they must EARN their salvation. And for the latter, they are wrong as well. As important as it is to be accepting of every person, we also must recognize the importance of not tainting the Word of God to subjective interpretation and justifying every kind of sin. Homosexuality is sin, but it's no more a sin than pre-marital sex, lying, or even dishonoring our parents. Many people want to treat it like it's a disease, or greater cause for punishment and alienate it as a separate kind of sin. IT'S NOT. God loves a homosexual person every bit as He loves me. And for us to cast ANYONE away because WE don't think they deserve His love is like saying that the cross was big enough to cover our sin, but not theirs. It's like saying God's grace isn't enough to cover homosexuality. I know I've talked a lot about homosexuality, but it's because I recently ran into a horrible example of what Christianity is, in the form of someone holding a "God hates homosexuals" sign... and it was heartbreaking. A few of people close to me were talking about going and standing next to them holding a sign that says "I'm sorry", apologizing for the horrible view we, as the Christian body, have given them of who God is.

It reminds me of Angela, off of "the Office". Anyone who knows that show knows she is the stereotypical religious, hateful Christian. She tosses around the names, "whore" and "slut" and was horrible to the man that came out of the closet. It's funny when you watch her, but it's how so many of us operate-talking about what we don’t believe in far more than what we DO believe in.


I was just thinking about it recently, and remembered that it was never when speaking to the "sinners" that Jesus lost His temper; it was at the people in the temple who were supposed to be Godly and were misusing the house of God. All that being said, I think any of us who wear the title of "Christian", be it in our everyday life or just on our myspace or facebook, need to be conscious of who we are representing God to be. That He's a God of relationship, not just rules.

Just So Thankful...

This past weekend has been one of the best I've had in quite some time. It was a time of reflection. I spent time with some great friends, and had some good talks. I had some great worship time, and really just had one of those moments where life seems to slow down long enough for you to appreciate everything for what it is.

There's a song that I have been listening to and playing and singing non-stop. It's by Kari Jobe, and it's called "Beautiful". The words are amazing, but just something about singing it to God, just telling Him how beautiful He truly is, caused me to look back at what brought me to where I am in my life.

I started thinking about Alex, and just how personal a gift he is, from God to me. It's like God prepared him in the previous years to be the exact man of God I needed in my life. Alex's love for his family, and understanding of what family is, caused me to work on my relationships with my family. Thinking about what my family situation was before, and what it is now, brings tears to my eyes. When I was growing up, my family was circled around big lies, and a bitter, vengeful, vindictive home; where fights escalated to the point of no return, and no functional relationships existed. Now my relationship with my family is better than ever, and even when it's not great, I have a husband that helps me stay balanced and always has my back. I'm in a place that I love under leadership that I love, and working with youth that I love. I have an amazing close circle of friends that add to my life and don't take away from it. I am just so blessed! I'm not saying that my life is perfect, because it's not; but I've just been swept away by gratefulness for where God has brought my life.

God really does cause everything to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I always said it before in faith. Now I say it because my life is proof. Not that I have "arrived" at this great place and will never face trouble again. I have my set of troubles now, but the hindsight of a troubled past and the acknowledgement of a healed present have given me the foresight to really know in my heart that no matter what perilous times come, God has the power to transform all situations and work them for good; and in the meantime, the strength and peace to sustain us through the hard times.

I've just been so overcome by thankfulness, about how personal and specific God really is. I know that things will be difficult again.  Days will come where it doesn’t feel so natural to have this level of gratefulness, but I know that God is the same God in those tough times that He is for me today; and I will find strength in that truth.